It's been a while. 3 months plus a few days to be exact. It's not that I haven't felt like writing, it's more about trying to figure out the reason behind why I write. Really, there are a lot of different reasons. However, none of them are really important to anyone but me, well, except one.
A few weeks ago I mentioned something about my blog and a conversation got started with my girls. They both mentioned how much they like reading what I write. My #1 said something to the effect that she liked reading what I write because it showed a side of me that I don't show outwardly. My Little Mrs. agreed and said she loved reading my blog for the stories. So, I decided that was a good reason to make sure I continue...for my kids. I think they mostly like the stories I tell, the ones about my childhood, my work, and my history. I can see that. I love reading about personal things people have to share. A small glimpse into their soul. I love people's stories. I love the emotions that other people's lives stir inside me. Sometimes I feel a connection, and that makes me happy...and sometimes sad, and sometimes passion, and pain, and...well you get the point. So, I think I will try and write more often, maybe I too will touch someone's soul, or just entertain my children, but there is one thing I do know. When you have a busy mind, a cluttery mind, and a passionate heart, writing helps, writing is good, and writing becomes the therapy that calms, if even for a short while.
Last night I made hamburgers, french fries and milk shakes for dinner. Not a dinner of champions by any means. This dinner is a dinner of happiness for our family. Everyone picks a different type of milk shake they like, chocolate, cookies and cream, caramel.....I enjoy making this meal, partially because my family feels like it is a "special treat" sort of meal but there is a different reason I like this meal.
When I was a younger this meal was a meal I remember my mom and dad preparing together for our family. We loved hamburger and milkshake night. I know it wasn't about the hamburgers, or the milkshakes even, because I really didn't like homemade hamburgers, and wasn't a big ice cream kid, but hamburger/milkshake night was one of the best nights in our house. I remember this meal as a meal always made with everyone in the kitchen. My dad usually made the milkshakes, while mom made the rest. We all liked to sit in the kitchen and talk while the meal was being made. Everyone was happy, and loving, and close...
When you come from a family that fell apart at the end, a family that somehow lost it's way, and the connections got disconnected, and the happy became sad, or mad, or painful and the loving became distant, the memories often seem sad, and mad and painful. The memories of what was, are jaded by unhappy and difficult situations that cover up the good happy memories. The last things you remember as a family are ugly words, and sad feelings and unhappy situations. We forget to look way back. Back to the better times. Sometimes it's because the good times are forgotten, overtaken by the less good times. Sometimes they are so long ago they just seem to have slipped away. Sometimes they seem unreal because they become foreign, lost in a whole new language of life. Yet, sometimes they are pushed away because they remind us of what things were and that in itself is sad. To think that something so good, could go so wrong. Milkshake and hamburgers were one of those happy memories for me. I feel like I can stand outside and look into the window of that house. The lights were all bright, the smiles were genuine, the laughter was contangious, the love was overflowing. It really has nothing to do with hamburgers and milkshakes, but that's where my connection links. Even last night, as I made 3 different kinds of milkshakes, seasoned the burgers (which I now like) and prepared the greasy, yummy fries..it had nothing to do with the food, and everything to do with love, and light, and smiles and love overflowing.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
The Middle Man
Greyson turns 14 today. The small little man who entered the world 3 weeks early, unlike Kayla who came out ready to take on the world, and Makenna who was looking for the nearest party, Greyson came out with his hand behind his head, leaning back with his knee crossed and asked "Hey, what's happening?" To say he is laid back is an understatement. He was a super easy baby, slept well, ate well, and was always happy. He spent his youngest years chasing after his older sister, doing anything she told him to do, and loving every minute of it. Then when Makenna was born a soft side of Greyson showed himself. He loved that baby like nothing else. He kissed her head often, gently touched her face and was always concerned about her well being. As he has gotten older nothing has changed.
Greyson is the peacemaker of our house. He hates drama, which is quite ironic because he loves acting, performing, singing and being on stage...he wants to be the class clown most of the time, and really puts on a good show. He likes comedy, humor and laughter. When the estrogen level of the house get a little too intense and overbearing Greyson is the first one to crack a joke and get everyone back on even ground. He is all heart, wrapped up in a comedian.
Let me step back though....Here is the thing about Greyson, he has a deep compassionate nature that always takes me by surprise. He will lend a hand, ear, and hug when needed. I am amazed at his patience and loving attitude towards his younger cousins. As I write this, he has invited a classmate to our house to help him practice the try out song for the musical. He is the first to volunteer to help out with friends, and strangers a like. I look at him and know that one day he will make an amazing husband, probably BECAUSE of his sisters and their torture.
Greyson is so talented as well, he has a natural ear for music, he plays the piano, all percussion instruments, sings, acts, and is quite the debater. (Ok, we often think Greyson will be a lawyer, he will argue ANY point, right or wrong, simply to prove he is right... a little of his Mama in him I think) Greyson loves to cook, and experiment, (mostly cuz he likes to eat). Greyson has the most infectious laugh..the Sacry Laughing Gene hit him hard and I love it. Sometimes at night I hear him laughing so uncontrollably in his room, that I get to laughing so hard I am crying...and I don't even know why he is laughing, I just know his laugh is wonderful.
I can't believe that Greyson is 14 already. Time keeps creeping up on me yet he'll be the first to give me a big old hug though and say "Don't worry mom, you may be getting older, but Dad is always older than you." Love that kid!
Happy Birthday to my Middle Man. Life has been grander with you in it!
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
A Stepping Stone
Tomorrow I am taking my youngest to pick up her schedule for her first year in middle school. I've taken two kids through this process already, but for some reason, probably because she is my youngest, I am just not thinking we are ready. When I say we, I know it really means me, but it feels so much better to say "we" so I feel like my fears are justified. I just can't see my little Makenna girl with more independence, less direction, less protection and more vulnerable. I think the vulnerable part is what's getting to me.
Kayla, my oldest, has always been so independent. I think she came out of the womb, looked me in the eye, put up her hand and said, "back off Mom, I got this!" Greyson, my second, has always been a casual sort of kid. He isn't type A like Kayla. Organization and details sort of cramp his style, but the thing about him, life just rolls off his back. Also, he's a people person. He really doesn't seem to make enemies, he has a lot of friends, and lets life cruise along.
Makenna will be attending a different middle school than her brother due to our plans for moving into a new neighborhood/new house within the next year. I wanted Greyson to finish his middle school where he started and want Makenna to start where she'll end. All very rational...but then my irrational mind kicks in and I panic. Makenna is going to a new school where she knows no one (although honestly, that kid knows someone everywhere we go..like really..no joke, she runs into more people out in public than I think there are people I know.) But more importantly, I have to go to a new middle school. I don't know any of the parents, teachers, the processes, the rules. No one will know us,...UGH. I have had 6 years at my current middle school, now I have to change...But wait, this was about Makenna.
Makenna... she's a small girl, like tiny small. She doesn't even look like she's in middle school yet. Those other kids are going to tower over her, I mean, if she gets a top locker she's going to have to borrow a chair, she'll be late for class because I just know her small little frame will get shoved in the corner, she'll drop all her papers and books, no one will notice and the bell will ring. Ok, so maybe she'll get a lower locker and all will be well, but irrational mind is working here.
I'm not prepared to deal with the drama for middle school. Makenna is a drama princess. She likes drama, she falls into drama, she lives for drama. If there is drama, Makenna will definitely know about it, listen to it, and give you the low down on he said, she said. Which translates to me as ...ME: "Makenna, what homework do you have to do tonight"
Makenna: "I don't know, Billy and Joey got in a fight over Terra and Jessica started to cry, the bell rang and I left to go help Jessica find Kleenex."
Me: "So you have no idea what homework you have tonight?"
Makenna: "Moooom, what's more important, helping a friend or fractions...please..."
So yes, I'm a little unprepared.
Mostly though, life scares me. The thought of new things, changes and possible rejection, pain and failure cause me stress. I feel even more stress when it's my kids who may confront these issues. I know they are going to face adversity, and so far my children have always handled that adversity with grace and poise. Even though I have raised and am raising my children well, I still find myself a little sick to my stomach when I anticipate a possible situation where pain, rejection, failure, fear etc. may come into play. No one wants their kid to be the bullied one, or the one to bully for that matter. No one wants to see their child struggle, even though it's through struggle that we learn. No one wants to see their child scared, or anxious, even though that is where courage and pride stem. Mostly, I just want to know it will be ok, and that's just not something anyone knows.
So, tomorrow I will walk into a new school, my stomach will be in knots, I will not be able to eat breakfast, I will probably get teared up as my daughter flits from place to place, saying hello to the people I know she will know, (cuz that's her) and I will want to take her hand and run back home to our safe place. However, I will not...because..well, because this is just the next stepping stone.
Kayla, my oldest, has always been so independent. I think she came out of the womb, looked me in the eye, put up her hand and said, "back off Mom, I got this!" Greyson, my second, has always been a casual sort of kid. He isn't type A like Kayla. Organization and details sort of cramp his style, but the thing about him, life just rolls off his back. Also, he's a people person. He really doesn't seem to make enemies, he has a lot of friends, and lets life cruise along.
Makenna will be attending a different middle school than her brother due to our plans for moving into a new neighborhood/new house within the next year. I wanted Greyson to finish his middle school where he started and want Makenna to start where she'll end. All very rational...but then my irrational mind kicks in and I panic. Makenna is going to a new school where she knows no one (although honestly, that kid knows someone everywhere we go..like really..no joke, she runs into more people out in public than I think there are people I know.) But more importantly, I have to go to a new middle school. I don't know any of the parents, teachers, the processes, the rules. No one will know us,...UGH. I have had 6 years at my current middle school, now I have to change...But wait, this was about Makenna.
Makenna... she's a small girl, like tiny small. She doesn't even look like she's in middle school yet. Those other kids are going to tower over her, I mean, if she gets a top locker she's going to have to borrow a chair, she'll be late for class because I just know her small little frame will get shoved in the corner, she'll drop all her papers and books, no one will notice and the bell will ring. Ok, so maybe she'll get a lower locker and all will be well, but irrational mind is working here.
I'm not prepared to deal with the drama for middle school. Makenna is a drama princess. She likes drama, she falls into drama, she lives for drama. If there is drama, Makenna will definitely know about it, listen to it, and give you the low down on he said, she said. Which translates to me as ...ME: "Makenna, what homework do you have to do tonight"
Makenna: "I don't know, Billy and Joey got in a fight over Terra and Jessica started to cry, the bell rang and I left to go help Jessica find Kleenex."
Me: "So you have no idea what homework you have tonight?"
Makenna: "Moooom, what's more important, helping a friend or fractions...please..."
So yes, I'm a little unprepared.
Mostly though, life scares me. The thought of new things, changes and possible rejection, pain and failure cause me stress. I feel even more stress when it's my kids who may confront these issues. I know they are going to face adversity, and so far my children have always handled that adversity with grace and poise. Even though I have raised and am raising my children well, I still find myself a little sick to my stomach when I anticipate a possible situation where pain, rejection, failure, fear etc. may come into play. No one wants their kid to be the bullied one, or the one to bully for that matter. No one wants to see their child struggle, even though it's through struggle that we learn. No one wants to see their child scared, or anxious, even though that is where courage and pride stem. Mostly, I just want to know it will be ok, and that's just not something anyone knows.
So, tomorrow I will walk into a new school, my stomach will be in knots, I will not be able to eat breakfast, I will probably get teared up as my daughter flits from place to place, saying hello to the people I know she will know, (cuz that's her) and I will want to take her hand and run back home to our safe place. However, I will not...because..well, because this is just the next stepping stone.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Tiffany
I guess I'm feeling sentimental this year because I seem to be on a roll with honoring my family members on here lately. When you have such wonderful people in your life it's hard not to brag a little.
So...my little sister is 8 years younger than me, and in two days, she will celebrate her Birthday with thousands of Americans around the country. She is a Yankee Doodle girl, born on the 4th of July. I distinctly remember the day she was born. My mom woke up early in the morning, and drove herself to the doctor to see if she should go to the hospital. (My dad had to take a shower...I'm seeing a trend with men and their showers before births) When she got home she hurried my dad along and out the door and my brother and I were left in the care of my aunt. I was a nervous wreck. I don't remember my brother coming into the world, he just always seemed to be there, but this baby, she was going to plant herself into my life and I wasn't sure I was ready for it. I mean, I had to give up my bedroom and move downstairs because of her. I remember going to the 4th of July parade in Butte, but missing my mom tremendously, and having a hard time sleeping because I was sure she had forgotten about me.
Then my new sister came home, and I loved her. Well, ok...we were frenemies for the first 12 or so years of her life. I loved her, of course, but she was a nuisance and annoying, and everything a little sister is to a self centered tween/teenage oldest child. Oh, don't get me wrong, I would have thrown myself in front of a train for my sister, but there was no way I would let her know that.
We had a crazy childhood. I am sure it was similar to many other sisters. We were pretty far apart in age, and I often just thought she was a tag-a-long although she was mostly just wanting to be with her older sister and friends. We have a lot of funny stories about our childhood, and we get some good laughs when the family gets together to reminisce, but that's for another time...I want to share with you about my sister now.
Tiffany is an amazing person. She has always had a style of her own. She is the independent one in our family. She says what she means and means what she says. She knows what she wants and isn't afraid to let you know. The interesting thing to me though is that I have been able to watch her evolve into who she is today. She has become one of my best friends. I cherish her opinion, her advice, and her time. She is one of my favorite people to hang out with!
I love that my sister would live in New York in a heartbeat, that she likes nice things, has great taste, enjoys furnishing a home, and eating at expensive and high class restaurants, that she has become a pro at online shopping and knows what she likes! I love her passion for cooking, she is always looking for a new recipe to try, and then someone to share the results with. But here's the thing, my sister is also one of the most down to earth people you will meet. If you need a party organized, she's your gal, she can be found sitting in a corner of couch reading for hours when she finds a good book, she will meet you for lunch and a good talk almost any day, she will help volunteer for her kids' activities, makes a mean German chocolate pie (for my birthday each year if I ask) and will go on a walk/run/yoga date often. Going to a weekly movie with my sister is one of the highlights of my week. We save up all our news and then talk a mile a minute before and after the movie, just to get all our thoughts in before we have to go back to our families. Tiff is hard on herself (I think it runs in the family) she often worries that what she is doing for her kids, for her life, and for herself are what's the best, but she really must know that she is amazing at mothering, sistering, daughtering and wifering (I know they aren't words Tiff, let it go...). Tiff is quiet in nature, but don't mistake her for weak or lacking. She is a strong, and stubborn, and a little on the youngest child side of life...but that's why I love her!
I really can't say enough about my sister. She is someone everyone should know. As her sister though I feel like I have something special with her no one else will ever have. We have the same sense of humor, and if you every walk into a room and we are cry laughing, you might as well walk out, you'll never fully understand why it's so funny anyway. We share the angry hungry gene, the laughing gene, the need for perfection gene, the organization gene, the love of movies and books gene, and the competitive gene. We are so different, yet so similar, it's kind of odd. I guess that's why I am so happy we are friends but more happy we are living this life as sisters.
Happy Birthday Tiff! Enjoy your time in Montana. Miss you already (and yes Tiff, I did spell check this post, and yes I am sure I missed something, but when you're on a roll and speaking from your heart it's just worth all the errors!)
So...my little sister is 8 years younger than me, and in two days, she will celebrate her Birthday with thousands of Americans around the country. She is a Yankee Doodle girl, born on the 4th of July. I distinctly remember the day she was born. My mom woke up early in the morning, and drove herself to the doctor to see if she should go to the hospital. (My dad had to take a shower...I'm seeing a trend with men and their showers before births) When she got home she hurried my dad along and out the door and my brother and I were left in the care of my aunt. I was a nervous wreck. I don't remember my brother coming into the world, he just always seemed to be there, but this baby, she was going to plant herself into my life and I wasn't sure I was ready for it. I mean, I had to give up my bedroom and move downstairs because of her. I remember going to the 4th of July parade in Butte, but missing my mom tremendously, and having a hard time sleeping because I was sure she had forgotten about me.
Then my new sister came home, and I loved her. Well, ok...we were frenemies for the first 12 or so years of her life. I loved her, of course, but she was a nuisance and annoying, and everything a little sister is to a self centered tween/teenage oldest child. Oh, don't get me wrong, I would have thrown myself in front of a train for my sister, but there was no way I would let her know that.
We had a crazy childhood. I am sure it was similar to many other sisters. We were pretty far apart in age, and I often just thought she was a tag-a-long although she was mostly just wanting to be with her older sister and friends. We have a lot of funny stories about our childhood, and we get some good laughs when the family gets together to reminisce, but that's for another time...I want to share with you about my sister now.
Tiffany is an amazing person. She has always had a style of her own. She is the independent one in our family. She says what she means and means what she says. She knows what she wants and isn't afraid to let you know. The interesting thing to me though is that I have been able to watch her evolve into who she is today. She has become one of my best friends. I cherish her opinion, her advice, and her time. She is one of my favorite people to hang out with!
I love that my sister would live in New York in a heartbeat, that she likes nice things, has great taste, enjoys furnishing a home, and eating at expensive and high class restaurants, that she has become a pro at online shopping and knows what she likes! I love her passion for cooking, she is always looking for a new recipe to try, and then someone to share the results with. But here's the thing, my sister is also one of the most down to earth people you will meet. If you need a party organized, she's your gal, she can be found sitting in a corner of couch reading for hours when she finds a good book, she will meet you for lunch and a good talk almost any day, she will help volunteer for her kids' activities, makes a mean German chocolate pie (for my birthday each year if I ask) and will go on a walk/run/yoga date often. Going to a weekly movie with my sister is one of the highlights of my week. We save up all our news and then talk a mile a minute before and after the movie, just to get all our thoughts in before we have to go back to our families. Tiff is hard on herself (I think it runs in the family) she often worries that what she is doing for her kids, for her life, and for herself are what's the best, but she really must know that she is amazing at mothering, sistering, daughtering and wifering (I know they aren't words Tiff, let it go...). Tiff is quiet in nature, but don't mistake her for weak or lacking. She is a strong, and stubborn, and a little on the youngest child side of life...but that's why I love her!
I really can't say enough about my sister. She is someone everyone should know. As her sister though I feel like I have something special with her no one else will ever have. We have the same sense of humor, and if you every walk into a room and we are cry laughing, you might as well walk out, you'll never fully understand why it's so funny anyway. We share the angry hungry gene, the laughing gene, the need for perfection gene, the organization gene, the love of movies and books gene, and the competitive gene. We are so different, yet so similar, it's kind of odd. I guess that's why I am so happy we are friends but more happy we are living this life as sisters.
Happy Birthday Tiff! Enjoy your time in Montana. Miss you already (and yes Tiff, I did spell check this post, and yes I am sure I missed something, but when you're on a roll and speaking from your heart it's just worth all the errors!)
Sunday, June 15, 2014
My Dad
My dad is a quiet man. He has always been one of little words, not overly conversational, but has a wonderful bedside manner and gentleness that makes people feel at ease. I would say that I got my introverted nature from my dad, although my mom's the same way so I guess I was double whammied.
I have learned a lot from my dad over the years, in a very different way than most people learn. My dad has never been a lecturer, he never sat me down to give me a talking to, never pulled me aside to teach me a lesson, never spanked or scolded me often. He taught me life lessons through his actions and modeling. As a child or younger adult I never gave much thought about how my dad was teaching me. He was always just the quiet, loving, giving man who looked out for my well being and made sure I was taken care of. As a parent myself now, I realize my dad was teaching me lessons all along.
My dad taught me that love comes in many different packages. We all love differently, some people love loud and big, others quiet and strong. My dad loves quiet and strong. I never question my Dad's love for me. Growing up we weren't real big on hugs and kisses, saying I love yous (until later in life) and words weren't his strong point, but his actions always told me I was his daughter, his love and his pride. My dad will do anything in his power for me. He is generous beyond anyone I know. His love is quiet, gentle and strong, a love I understand and find myself presenting to the people in my life.
My dad taught me that education and knowledge prepares you for what will come to you in life. Learning new things daily is an essential aspect of living successfully. Life lessons come in many ways, and learning isn't always a happy, enjoyable adventure. My favorite quote from my dad, "You pay for your education." THIS. IS. SO. TRUE. Sometimes we learn hard lessons and pay with the loss of money, but I think what he was really trying to say was, we are educated by not only our studies, but by our life decisions. We learn from everything we do, we may pay with loss of friendship, loss of respect, loss of happiness...yet we learn.
My dad taught me hard work will bring you success. My dad is a successful dentist because of his hard work. He built a business through hard work, education and determination. I see my dad now and know he has set up his business from so long ago and is enjoying his life now,even more, because of his success and hard work. My aunts and uncles like to share stories of my dad and his dedication for working as a young man. He held jobs through-out his young life. He is the oldest of 9 kids and I know the weight of his need to be an example was on his shoulders often.
My dad taught me a sense of humor will often be the saving grace in life. I got my sense of humor from my dad. We love to laugh, that Sacry Laughing Gene is an amazing gene to have...Thank for that one Dad! One of my favorite things in life...watching my dad laugh to the point of crying. My dad is so controlled, and calm, and watching laughter and joy take over is rewarding. He loves humor, he is a jokster, he has a great sense of humor, and his laugh is infectious. My dad knows how to have fun, he likes adventure and happiness. There is a time for control and calm, but there is also a time for fun and life is a little less serious if you can have a sense of humor.
Being the oldest in a large family may be a hard endeavour. My dad has never complained or said one bad thing about his childhood. He loves his siblings so unconditionally. Not one bad word has ever escaped his lips, in front of me, about his mom, dad or siblings. I know there were times he didn't see eye to eye with a family member, but my dad is good at loving and caring and being a devoted brother and son regardless. My dad is a leader in his family. I sometimes think it's because as the oldest, responsibilities just default to him, but as an adult I have come to realize it's more than that. He presents himself with grace, and strength. He takes on the role of leader whether by choice or circumstance. I try to be that kind of leader too.
There are so many more things my dad has taught me, many I'm sure he doesn't even know. My dad is not perfect, he has learned a lot of lessons the hard way, he has made mistakes, and I know he would say he is still learning daily, but what it comes down to is this. My dad taught me and continues to teach me that life is worth living, that I should make the best of what I have, be smart, laugh often and love unconditionally, give without reservation, and never ever forget where you came from.
I love you Dad! I wish we could spend more time together and lived closer to each other, but know that I think of you daily, love you unconditionally and will forever thank God that he allowed me to be your daughter. Happy Father's Day.
I have learned a lot from my dad over the years, in a very different way than most people learn. My dad has never been a lecturer, he never sat me down to give me a talking to, never pulled me aside to teach me a lesson, never spanked or scolded me often. He taught me life lessons through his actions and modeling. As a child or younger adult I never gave much thought about how my dad was teaching me. He was always just the quiet, loving, giving man who looked out for my well being and made sure I was taken care of. As a parent myself now, I realize my dad was teaching me lessons all along.
My dad taught me that love comes in many different packages. We all love differently, some people love loud and big, others quiet and strong. My dad loves quiet and strong. I never question my Dad's love for me. Growing up we weren't real big on hugs and kisses, saying I love yous (until later in life) and words weren't his strong point, but his actions always told me I was his daughter, his love and his pride. My dad will do anything in his power for me. He is generous beyond anyone I know. His love is quiet, gentle and strong, a love I understand and find myself presenting to the people in my life.
My dad taught me that education and knowledge prepares you for what will come to you in life. Learning new things daily is an essential aspect of living successfully. Life lessons come in many ways, and learning isn't always a happy, enjoyable adventure. My favorite quote from my dad, "You pay for your education." THIS. IS. SO. TRUE. Sometimes we learn hard lessons and pay with the loss of money, but I think what he was really trying to say was, we are educated by not only our studies, but by our life decisions. We learn from everything we do, we may pay with loss of friendship, loss of respect, loss of happiness...yet we learn.
My dad taught me hard work will bring you success. My dad is a successful dentist because of his hard work. He built a business through hard work, education and determination. I see my dad now and know he has set up his business from so long ago and is enjoying his life now,even more, because of his success and hard work. My aunts and uncles like to share stories of my dad and his dedication for working as a young man. He held jobs through-out his young life. He is the oldest of 9 kids and I know the weight of his need to be an example was on his shoulders often.
My dad taught me a sense of humor will often be the saving grace in life. I got my sense of humor from my dad. We love to laugh, that Sacry Laughing Gene is an amazing gene to have...Thank for that one Dad! One of my favorite things in life...watching my dad laugh to the point of crying. My dad is so controlled, and calm, and watching laughter and joy take over is rewarding. He loves humor, he is a jokster, he has a great sense of humor, and his laugh is infectious. My dad knows how to have fun, he likes adventure and happiness. There is a time for control and calm, but there is also a time for fun and life is a little less serious if you can have a sense of humor.
Being the oldest in a large family may be a hard endeavour. My dad has never complained or said one bad thing about his childhood. He loves his siblings so unconditionally. Not one bad word has ever escaped his lips, in front of me, about his mom, dad or siblings. I know there were times he didn't see eye to eye with a family member, but my dad is good at loving and caring and being a devoted brother and son regardless. My dad is a leader in his family. I sometimes think it's because as the oldest, responsibilities just default to him, but as an adult I have come to realize it's more than that. He presents himself with grace, and strength. He takes on the role of leader whether by choice or circumstance. I try to be that kind of leader too.
There are so many more things my dad has taught me, many I'm sure he doesn't even know. My dad is not perfect, he has learned a lot of lessons the hard way, he has made mistakes, and I know he would say he is still learning daily, but what it comes down to is this. My dad taught me and continues to teach me that life is worth living, that I should make the best of what I have, be smart, laugh often and love unconditionally, give without reservation, and never ever forget where you came from.
I love you Dad! I wish we could spend more time together and lived closer to each other, but know that I think of you daily, love you unconditionally and will forever thank God that he allowed me to be your daughter. Happy Father's Day.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
#1
This year, in my birthday card from my dad, he ended his wonderfully kind words with the following, "and like Grandma Nonie used to tell me, you'll always be #1." If any of you knew Grandma Nonie you realize she always liked a play on words. Dad is the oldest of 9... The number one child. I am the oldest child of my dad's kids...therefore, I too am #1, and my dear Kayla Marie is #1 which leads me to her.
My sweet #1 child will turn 17 in two weeks. I can't believe 17 years have passed since I woke up my husband telling him " I think I'm in labor and we should go to the hospital" ( and like every good man he said...ok let me jump into the shower first). 17 years seems like a snap, but let me tell you a little about my #1 child and those 17 years.
Kayla fell into this world with her eyes wide open, literally. She had the Biggest, Roundest, Brightest blue eyes, I had ever seen. I admit I thought they looked like bulging fish eyes and was slightly concerned that she may never grow into them. The doctors assured me she would ( and she did!). That big eyed girl has rocked my world ever since that day.
Kayla lives life loudly! She has never done anything "just a little", she has always done everything big, and bold and....loudly. When she is excited she shares with the most jubilant intensity. You feel like you should jump up and down while she talks. When she is angry, frustrated or upset...loud as a ship's captain, and when she believes in something, her passion seeps from the very core of her soul, very loudly. The thing about Kayla though, is you only see her loud self if she wants you to, because Kayla is mature, controlled and cautious. Kayla is one of the most dedicated, stubborn, driven 17 year olds I know. Kayla doesn't do anything half heartedly, if she's going to do it, it's full out 110%. From the get go I have chased Kayla though life. She took off running and Brian and I were left in the dust. I think that's the thing about Kayla that is most amazing, she isn't the biggest risk taker in the world, but she is always up for a challenge. She never shys away from proving herself. I have always been amazed at her dedication to what ever she does. She took gymnastics from age 3 to 11, crazy hours a week, and only as she was deciding that she was ready for something different did she slow down. Then she hit the floor dancing and hasn't looked back since.
Kayla dancing is like watching my heart, on a cloud, as it flies over the mountains. She has always been a dancer at heart, and I lose myself in her extraordinary talent when I see how she goes from graceful, to sassy, to free spirited to intense. If you want to see in the true soul of that girl watch her dance when she doesn't know you're watching.
The other thing about Kayla, she is wicked smart. Over this last year I have watched her take on her education with so much fire. She learns with a desire so deep I am amazed that her brain hasn't exploded. As a parent I love watching my child fascinate in that knowledge that surrounds her
As my #1 child, Kayla was my teacher. We waded through parenting with Kayla taking charge, like always. She taught me how to be a mother, often quite loudly, and she stole my heart in the process. She reflects me in so many ways, yet grows outside anything I could have hoped to be myself. Kayla is my truth. Her compassion, and desire to make this world a better place, to be an inspiration to others and friend to only those who really embrace her, make her something beyond extraordinary.
As I start to think about her last year of living at home full time and her senior year in high school I am sad. One of the benefits of being #1 is you get to the leave the house first, you often don't know what it's like to be left, because you're blazing the trail for #2 and #3. However, sadness is quickly transferred into pride and joy. In one year the world will get one of the most extraordinary persons they will have ever encountered. I have a feeling she will enter it with the grace of a dancer, the determination of a bull, the energy of a steam engine, and the noise of a church bell ringing LOUDLY, but until then, she is still mine for one year. My energy, my truth, my passion...#1.
My sweet #1 child will turn 17 in two weeks. I can't believe 17 years have passed since I woke up my husband telling him " I think I'm in labor and we should go to the hospital" ( and like every good man he said...ok let me jump into the shower first). 17 years seems like a snap, but let me tell you a little about my #1 child and those 17 years.
Kayla fell into this world with her eyes wide open, literally. She had the Biggest, Roundest, Brightest blue eyes, I had ever seen. I admit I thought they looked like bulging fish eyes and was slightly concerned that she may never grow into them. The doctors assured me she would ( and she did!). That big eyed girl has rocked my world ever since that day.
Kayla lives life loudly! She has never done anything "just a little", she has always done everything big, and bold and....loudly. When she is excited she shares with the most jubilant intensity. You feel like you should jump up and down while she talks. When she is angry, frustrated or upset...loud as a ship's captain, and when she believes in something, her passion seeps from the very core of her soul, very loudly. The thing about Kayla though, is you only see her loud self if she wants you to, because Kayla is mature, controlled and cautious. Kayla is one of the most dedicated, stubborn, driven 17 year olds I know. Kayla doesn't do anything half heartedly, if she's going to do it, it's full out 110%. From the get go I have chased Kayla though life. She took off running and Brian and I were left in the dust. I think that's the thing about Kayla that is most amazing, she isn't the biggest risk taker in the world, but she is always up for a challenge. She never shys away from proving herself. I have always been amazed at her dedication to what ever she does. She took gymnastics from age 3 to 11, crazy hours a week, and only as she was deciding that she was ready for something different did she slow down. Then she hit the floor dancing and hasn't looked back since.
Kayla dancing is like watching my heart, on a cloud, as it flies over the mountains. She has always been a dancer at heart, and I lose myself in her extraordinary talent when I see how she goes from graceful, to sassy, to free spirited to intense. If you want to see in the true soul of that girl watch her dance when she doesn't know you're watching.
The other thing about Kayla, she is wicked smart. Over this last year I have watched her take on her education with so much fire. She learns with a desire so deep I am amazed that her brain hasn't exploded. As a parent I love watching my child fascinate in that knowledge that surrounds her
As my #1 child, Kayla was my teacher. We waded through parenting with Kayla taking charge, like always. She taught me how to be a mother, often quite loudly, and she stole my heart in the process. She reflects me in so many ways, yet grows outside anything I could have hoped to be myself. Kayla is my truth. Her compassion, and desire to make this world a better place, to be an inspiration to others and friend to only those who really embrace her, make her something beyond extraordinary.
As I start to think about her last year of living at home full time and her senior year in high school I am sad. One of the benefits of being #1 is you get to the leave the house first, you often don't know what it's like to be left, because you're blazing the trail for #2 and #3. However, sadness is quickly transferred into pride and joy. In one year the world will get one of the most extraordinary persons they will have ever encountered. I have a feeling she will enter it with the grace of a dancer, the determination of a bull, the energy of a steam engine, and the noise of a church bell ringing LOUDLY, but until then, she is still mine for one year. My energy, my truth, my passion...#1.
Friday, May 9, 2014
MRS.
The title of this post may be a little misleading, but here she is...
I have a most wonderful 3rd child. She is the spitting image of her dad, has the energy of a cheerleader on crack, has the sense of humor of a wise ass 75 year old woman, and a heart of gold. She lives in a world of possibilities. She believes she can do anything, be anything and live the life of kings and bums all at once. Her life is a movie, she is the lead, and she isn't holding anything back.
My almost 11 year old has her future planned. She is going to be famous, but not rich..she is going to travel the world as a reporter, perform on Broadway, live with her Grandmother in the summer's during college, marry the man of her dreams (have a wedding that will "cost more than college..of course"), after being famous, become a grade school teacher, and live happily ever after.
This girl believes in magic, she doesn't want to offend anyone...ever...she wants to be loved, and cuddled, and have a party every Friday night..cuz, ya..socializing is the top priority in the world. She is afraid of dogs, won't hold a cat, faints at the thought of blood, yet "can't wait to have children" (yes that one is going to be interesting). She believes in true love, love at first sight, the perfect marriage, the perfect first kiss, the perfect prom, the perfect wedding, basically the most romantic heart in the universe. She adores her older sister, admires her older brother yet wishes she wasn't the youngest.
This child makes my heart happy. She brings hope to the world when hope seems lost, she smiles big, hugs often and lives like the world is her stage. She generally is unscathed by life, and I find myself trying to protect her magical little world from all the possibilities of doubt and corruption.
She could talk you under the table. I always laugh and say "M, your brain and mouth work in unison, what you think literally comes out your mouth" and she just smiles and says "Ya, I know, I can't help it" and deep down I don't want her to change it, because positive, happy, chatty people are the opposite of my introverted, shy, quiet self, and I like it.
I love that she has turned her strongest attributes into positive forces. She was the lead in the school play, even knowing it was a role traditionally for a male part. She performs at every talent show available, making the world her stage. She was a reporter for her school web T.V. and hammed it up with costumes, snappy sayings and witty reporter commentary. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bat-ZM0chaY She is fearless.
This girl is amazing. She owns a part of my heart that no one else will ever capture. She is my little MRS. Makenna Rowe Schaefer. God blessed me well with this one....
I have a most wonderful 3rd child. She is the spitting image of her dad, has the energy of a cheerleader on crack, has the sense of humor of a wise ass 75 year old woman, and a heart of gold. She lives in a world of possibilities. She believes she can do anything, be anything and live the life of kings and bums all at once. Her life is a movie, she is the lead, and she isn't holding anything back.
My almost 11 year old has her future planned. She is going to be famous, but not rich..she is going to travel the world as a reporter, perform on Broadway, live with her Grandmother in the summer's during college, marry the man of her dreams (have a wedding that will "cost more than college..of course"), after being famous, become a grade school teacher, and live happily ever after.
This girl believes in magic, she doesn't want to offend anyone...ever...she wants to be loved, and cuddled, and have a party every Friday night..cuz, ya..socializing is the top priority in the world. She is afraid of dogs, won't hold a cat, faints at the thought of blood, yet "can't wait to have children" (yes that one is going to be interesting). She believes in true love, love at first sight, the perfect marriage, the perfect first kiss, the perfect prom, the perfect wedding, basically the most romantic heart in the universe. She adores her older sister, admires her older brother yet wishes she wasn't the youngest.
This child makes my heart happy. She brings hope to the world when hope seems lost, she smiles big, hugs often and lives like the world is her stage. She generally is unscathed by life, and I find myself trying to protect her magical little world from all the possibilities of doubt and corruption.
She could talk you under the table. I always laugh and say "M, your brain and mouth work in unison, what you think literally comes out your mouth" and she just smiles and says "Ya, I know, I can't help it" and deep down I don't want her to change it, because positive, happy, chatty people are the opposite of my introverted, shy, quiet self, and I like it.
I love that she has turned her strongest attributes into positive forces. She was the lead in the school play, even knowing it was a role traditionally for a male part. She performs at every talent show available, making the world her stage. She was a reporter for her school web T.V. and hammed it up with costumes, snappy sayings and witty reporter commentary. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bat-ZM0chaY She is fearless.
This girl is amazing. She owns a part of my heart that no one else will ever capture. She is my little MRS. Makenna Rowe Schaefer. God blessed me well with this one....
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
My Profession-simple pleasures
I see an average of 30 patients a week. I see them at their most vulnerable state quite often, when they are laying in a hospital bed, often fear stricken, as their life is changing from what they once knew to what they have no idea will become. I'm not a doctor, I can't "fix" them, I am there for an entirely different reason. I am there to help them learn, adapt, prepare, adjust....cope. What an amazing place to put myself in people's life. Scary, often sad, but so very rewarding.
To avoid all HIPPA violations I will preface this with...my patients' stories are all different, they blend, they mix and often I lose names, but never faces, and most importantly never stories. I won't name names, I won't tell you places, and faces. I don't want to break any rules. What I am telling you is my perception of their lives, as seen through my heart.
Today I worked with a lady who has cancer. She was having some difficulty with chemo and needed a short hospital stay to get back on track. She was weak, dehydrated, having a hard time swallowing and a bit beaten down. I walked into her room and a huge smile came to her face "Are you the one who is going to help me get showered?" It's amazing folks. Showering is one of the BIGGEST simple pleasures of life. My patients appreciate showers almost more than anything else. Showers seem so simple right? When you can't walk, when you can't move one side of your body, when you can't think like normal, when you are in pain..showering isn't easy, but it can make your life seem ok again. Simple pleasures. After I helped her get showered, dressed in clean clothes, teeth brushed, and returned to bed she looked at me with the biggest expression of compassion and said, "I have always appreciated people like you, you are patient and loving and caring. You helped me feel like life was okay, it was going to be okay, Thank you." Simple pleasures.
I have the simple pleasure of helping people every single work day of my life. Sometimes the job I do seems so minimal that I forget that what I am doing is often so maximal (if that is a word...). I get to walk into a person's life in a time of crisis. That seems a little exaggerated to some, but every person I see has had a life change. Sometimes it's so tragic...a spinal cord injury that leaves a person unable to move anything except their head. A stroke the leaves a person unable to speak, to walk, to move their arm or leg. A head injury that leaves a person unaware of their surroundings, their family, their body. Other times it's smaller, a broken hand that makes it difficult to eat, write, work. A new hip or knee that makes it difficult to walk, climb stairs, get in and out of the tub. Regardless, each situation is stressful and life changing. Sometimes the situation alters someones life for a short time, others for a life time, but each is significant and important and I get the honor of helping those people push through.
I struggle at times with my job, not so much because it's hard to work with my patients, more because I have a hard time letting go of their emotions. I feel, to my deepest core, the emotions of my patients. I have been schooled, on many occasions, by many different professionals and teachers, to separate myself from my patient and to not own their emotions. After 14 years I have decided, it's not gonna happen for me. I let the emotions take over, and I work through them. I come home sometimes and just cry and cry to get someone else's emotions out me, I do many different destressors, but in the end I have decided it's one of life's simple pleasures, the ability to be empathetic to my patients. Honestly, not many can say the same.
I work to help people adjust to their new challenges, I problem solve ways to allow them to complete their everyday tasks in the best way possible, for them. My methods are often unconventional..that's what Occupational Therapy is about. I get the pleasure of watching people figure out how to do all the things we take for granted. I feel their struggles, feel their joys and reward in their accomplishments. I cry for their losses, rejoice in their lives and mourn their pasts.
Today I watched my patient as she combed her hair, as it sat in her comb in clumps, she looked up and me with tears in her eyes and smiled..."and so it begins" she said.
I smiled back.." thanks for letting me be part of your new beginning."
To avoid all HIPPA violations I will preface this with...my patients' stories are all different, they blend, they mix and often I lose names, but never faces, and most importantly never stories. I won't name names, I won't tell you places, and faces. I don't want to break any rules. What I am telling you is my perception of their lives, as seen through my heart.
Today I worked with a lady who has cancer. She was having some difficulty with chemo and needed a short hospital stay to get back on track. She was weak, dehydrated, having a hard time swallowing and a bit beaten down. I walked into her room and a huge smile came to her face "Are you the one who is going to help me get showered?" It's amazing folks. Showering is one of the BIGGEST simple pleasures of life. My patients appreciate showers almost more than anything else. Showers seem so simple right? When you can't walk, when you can't move one side of your body, when you can't think like normal, when you are in pain..showering isn't easy, but it can make your life seem ok again. Simple pleasures. After I helped her get showered, dressed in clean clothes, teeth brushed, and returned to bed she looked at me with the biggest expression of compassion and said, "I have always appreciated people like you, you are patient and loving and caring. You helped me feel like life was okay, it was going to be okay, Thank you." Simple pleasures.
I have the simple pleasure of helping people every single work day of my life. Sometimes the job I do seems so minimal that I forget that what I am doing is often so maximal (if that is a word...). I get to walk into a person's life in a time of crisis. That seems a little exaggerated to some, but every person I see has had a life change. Sometimes it's so tragic...a spinal cord injury that leaves a person unable to move anything except their head. A stroke the leaves a person unable to speak, to walk, to move their arm or leg. A head injury that leaves a person unaware of their surroundings, their family, their body. Other times it's smaller, a broken hand that makes it difficult to eat, write, work. A new hip or knee that makes it difficult to walk, climb stairs, get in and out of the tub. Regardless, each situation is stressful and life changing. Sometimes the situation alters someones life for a short time, others for a life time, but each is significant and important and I get the honor of helping those people push through.
I struggle at times with my job, not so much because it's hard to work with my patients, more because I have a hard time letting go of their emotions. I feel, to my deepest core, the emotions of my patients. I have been schooled, on many occasions, by many different professionals and teachers, to separate myself from my patient and to not own their emotions. After 14 years I have decided, it's not gonna happen for me. I let the emotions take over, and I work through them. I come home sometimes and just cry and cry to get someone else's emotions out me, I do many different destressors, but in the end I have decided it's one of life's simple pleasures, the ability to be empathetic to my patients. Honestly, not many can say the same.
I work to help people adjust to their new challenges, I problem solve ways to allow them to complete their everyday tasks in the best way possible, for them. My methods are often unconventional..that's what Occupational Therapy is about. I get the pleasure of watching people figure out how to do all the things we take for granted. I feel their struggles, feel their joys and reward in their accomplishments. I cry for their losses, rejoice in their lives and mourn their pasts.
Today I watched my patient as she combed her hair, as it sat in her comb in clumps, she looked up and me with tears in her eyes and smiled..."and so it begins" she said.
I smiled back.." thanks for letting me be part of your new beginning."
Sunday, March 2, 2014
My Life In Stages
Well, today is the last day of my 43rd year of life. Starting tomorrow I begin working on the 44th year of my life. Tomorrow I will have lived for 43 years. Wow, that seems so long, yet as we all know it is only a blink in time.
I began to think about those 43 years earlier this weekend, and I began a quest. I pulled out the crates, the photo albums, the old letters, cards, and personal keepsakes I have stored in by basement and found myself on a journey. Life is quite amazing.
We are born into a world and our personality begins forming immediately. Yet, for those first 4 or 5 years I have no memory. I have pictures, and stories told to me from my family, but no memories. I realized that I have grouped my life into stages. I am sure we all do in some form or fashion. Those stages are the things I kept thinking about.
The first stage is my elementary years. Ages 5 to about 10. I think of that stage and it's all just growing. Learning about the world, forming a personality, being dependent on my parents, teachers, family and friends to help shape me into a person. The memories for me are just happy. Life was easy and fun and simple. All kid.
The next stage was junior highish age. 10 to 14. That stage in my life was filled with church camps, friends, school, becoming more of an individual. I made my first life long friends at Echo Valley Campgrounds, at about this age. I started getting interested in boys and relationships. During this time we moved from "in town" out to the ranch. The memories of my grandparents, my cousins, my siblings are strong during this time of my life. My life was about family and church friends.
High School, age 14 to 17. Now that was a ride! I remember high school like it was yesterday. The memories are so packed and full. It was at this stage that I feel like my true being began to come into play. I started realizing who I was as a person, I formed opinions, had beliefs of my own. I wanted to be my own person, yet was highly influenced by my friends. My high school years were amazing when I think back to my experiences with extracurricular activities, friendships and living. I know I have talked on many occasions about how much I loved High School. It wasn't all good, I mean, come one high school is about drama. Friendships are tricky in high school, acceptance is scary and becoming more independent is hard. Those years were tainted with my parents divorce my Junior year and a lot of family issues. Yet, I really believe the base of church and family I built during my previous stage of life got me through high school and into my first years of college exceptionally well. I know those experiences were sometimes so difficult and hurtful, but man, what a great stage.
College....Good old College. 18 to 22. Now this is when life hits the big time for me. I was out of the house, on my own, and ready for life. I made friends, memories, learned life lessons, and swear those 4 year lasted a life time. Graceland was amazing! I met people who to this day are my best friends. I met my husband (which is wayyy to long of a story for this post). College was the freeing years. Yes, I was getting an education, but really I was learning to live my life. I didn't have real life responsibilities, it was sort of a bubble for me and how nice was that!
Then came 22-27. I can't believe, so much changes in my life from about 17 to 27. That's 10 years of life. With it came leaving home, getting an education, getting married, moving numerous times, traveling, saying good bye to friends, making new ones. Those years are just massive transitions, but 22 to 26 was about learning to be in a marriage, about falling in love, building a relationship for a life time. Those years were easy for Brian and I. We sadly watched several of our friends struggle through those times. We worked on learning to be a couple, we were learning about life and starting a life, and building a base for our future. No longer was life about me, it was about us. We lived in a fairytale of two.
Now I'll be honest with you on the next stage. I think I lost my 30's. My thirties were like a big old lake and I was frantically doggy paddling to save my life. My 30's became nothing about me and everything about my family. I had 3 kids from 26 to 31, and folks, they rocked my world. They became my reason for living, they took all my thoughts and power and my soul. My 30's are one big blur of parenting. Seeing life, no longer for myself, but for 3 people who relied on me for everything. And. IT. WAS. HARD. I struggled through my 30's. I went to grad school, started a new career, and felt like I needed to be everything and anything to everyone. I wanted my kids to have it all, I wanted to be successful, I wanted our family to be AWESOME. I look back now and realize, my 30's were awesomely trying. I set unrealistic expectations for myself, I worried all the time, I loved my kids but never felt I was enough. I found my 30's creeping into my 40's. I started wondering "Where have I gone? Where am I..Me...the person that I was from 5 to 26" Brian and I were like war buddies. We went into battle hand in hand, we passed the baton off, we tapped each other in and out of the game, we were side by side, working as united front, but man it wasn't about us, it was about survival.
Then I hit 41. It was like hitting a brick wall to me. I was no longer Deb, I was Mom, wife, employee, parent, friend, but I couldn't find me in that. The battle was over, we came out alive, but I was lost. I have to admit I felt like I walked out of a war and just couldn't see through the smoke. I know I fought good and hard. I have 3 amazing children to prove it. The strategy and tactics of the war must have been good, because there is no way my children could have come out so wonderful without. I had hit the stage where they were not needing me to care for them so much. I realized it was time to start digging for the person I was or am. That was, and is hard though. Once you wrap your life around others, when they start letting go, and need you less, a void forms. I found myself wondering how to fill that void. Don't get me wrong, my kids keep me soooo busy. But, I am no longer their life, but an active participate in their life.
So 41 to 43. I call this stage the "Trying to find me again" stage. I woke up one morning, rolled over, and said "Wow! Brian have you been here this whole time?" We went into battle together, but war doesn't give you much time for growth as a couple. I think for about a year I was shell shocked. I wasn't sure what I was suppose to be doing. I wasn't really unhappy, I just felt lost and unsettled. I worried a lot that year, I was anxious and scared. I don't ever remember a time in my life that I felt so empty. The kids' activities kept me busy, work kept me busy, but busy is just busy...
So here I come up to 43. I have taken a good amount of time really focusing on what the next stage will be. I wondered around aimlessly for the last 2 years and slowly it's all coming together. I see the next stage as a regroup. My kids are needing me less, but they are growing and living more, and I am here to be their cheerleader and their support and their safe haven. I am no longer living for them though. My marriage has taken a little hit the last couple years. The tide goes in and out, we always knew that, but the cool thing is, it's time for the tide to come back in. Brian and I have so much more time to spend together. We can start falling in love again. (I never fell out of love to begin with, but all the old people tell me love is about falling in love over and over again) We can step back and watch our amazing children grow up some. We can support them and love them and show them what life is about. I also know with kids getting ready for college, and driving, and being more independent I need to focus on my career a little more. I think my biggest struggle is building a bigger support system for Brian and I. In that battle we lost touch with the outside world. We didn't have much time for anyone else. The same goes for me. My friend circle is small and it's time to widen it again.
I know this is nothing new to anyone. We all have stages, for each of us they are different and unique. Some of you may never experience the same stages I did and I may never experience life like anyone else. My core message remains the same though...we are all connected by something, we are all in this together, and by sharing our story and our life we can touch others. I hope my story touches at least one of you today, for tomorrow I start living the rest of my life.
I began to think about those 43 years earlier this weekend, and I began a quest. I pulled out the crates, the photo albums, the old letters, cards, and personal keepsakes I have stored in by basement and found myself on a journey. Life is quite amazing.
We are born into a world and our personality begins forming immediately. Yet, for those first 4 or 5 years I have no memory. I have pictures, and stories told to me from my family, but no memories. I realized that I have grouped my life into stages. I am sure we all do in some form or fashion. Those stages are the things I kept thinking about.
The first stage is my elementary years. Ages 5 to about 10. I think of that stage and it's all just growing. Learning about the world, forming a personality, being dependent on my parents, teachers, family and friends to help shape me into a person. The memories for me are just happy. Life was easy and fun and simple. All kid.
The next stage was junior highish age. 10 to 14. That stage in my life was filled with church camps, friends, school, becoming more of an individual. I made my first life long friends at Echo Valley Campgrounds, at about this age. I started getting interested in boys and relationships. During this time we moved from "in town" out to the ranch. The memories of my grandparents, my cousins, my siblings are strong during this time of my life. My life was about family and church friends.
High School, age 14 to 17. Now that was a ride! I remember high school like it was yesterday. The memories are so packed and full. It was at this stage that I feel like my true being began to come into play. I started realizing who I was as a person, I formed opinions, had beliefs of my own. I wanted to be my own person, yet was highly influenced by my friends. My high school years were amazing when I think back to my experiences with extracurricular activities, friendships and living. I know I have talked on many occasions about how much I loved High School. It wasn't all good, I mean, come one high school is about drama. Friendships are tricky in high school, acceptance is scary and becoming more independent is hard. Those years were tainted with my parents divorce my Junior year and a lot of family issues. Yet, I really believe the base of church and family I built during my previous stage of life got me through high school and into my first years of college exceptionally well. I know those experiences were sometimes so difficult and hurtful, but man, what a great stage.
College....Good old College. 18 to 22. Now this is when life hits the big time for me. I was out of the house, on my own, and ready for life. I made friends, memories, learned life lessons, and swear those 4 year lasted a life time. Graceland was amazing! I met people who to this day are my best friends. I met my husband (which is wayyy to long of a story for this post). College was the freeing years. Yes, I was getting an education, but really I was learning to live my life. I didn't have real life responsibilities, it was sort of a bubble for me and how nice was that!
Then came 22-27. I can't believe, so much changes in my life from about 17 to 27. That's 10 years of life. With it came leaving home, getting an education, getting married, moving numerous times, traveling, saying good bye to friends, making new ones. Those years are just massive transitions, but 22 to 26 was about learning to be in a marriage, about falling in love, building a relationship for a life time. Those years were easy for Brian and I. We sadly watched several of our friends struggle through those times. We worked on learning to be a couple, we were learning about life and starting a life, and building a base for our future. No longer was life about me, it was about us. We lived in a fairytale of two.
Now I'll be honest with you on the next stage. I think I lost my 30's. My thirties were like a big old lake and I was frantically doggy paddling to save my life. My 30's became nothing about me and everything about my family. I had 3 kids from 26 to 31, and folks, they rocked my world. They became my reason for living, they took all my thoughts and power and my soul. My 30's are one big blur of parenting. Seeing life, no longer for myself, but for 3 people who relied on me for everything. And. IT. WAS. HARD. I struggled through my 30's. I went to grad school, started a new career, and felt like I needed to be everything and anything to everyone. I wanted my kids to have it all, I wanted to be successful, I wanted our family to be AWESOME. I look back now and realize, my 30's were awesomely trying. I set unrealistic expectations for myself, I worried all the time, I loved my kids but never felt I was enough. I found my 30's creeping into my 40's. I started wondering "Where have I gone? Where am I..Me...the person that I was from 5 to 26" Brian and I were like war buddies. We went into battle hand in hand, we passed the baton off, we tapped each other in and out of the game, we were side by side, working as united front, but man it wasn't about us, it was about survival.
Then I hit 41. It was like hitting a brick wall to me. I was no longer Deb, I was Mom, wife, employee, parent, friend, but I couldn't find me in that. The battle was over, we came out alive, but I was lost. I have to admit I felt like I walked out of a war and just couldn't see through the smoke. I know I fought good and hard. I have 3 amazing children to prove it. The strategy and tactics of the war must have been good, because there is no way my children could have come out so wonderful without. I had hit the stage where they were not needing me to care for them so much. I realized it was time to start digging for the person I was or am. That was, and is hard though. Once you wrap your life around others, when they start letting go, and need you less, a void forms. I found myself wondering how to fill that void. Don't get me wrong, my kids keep me soooo busy. But, I am no longer their life, but an active participate in their life.
So 41 to 43. I call this stage the "Trying to find me again" stage. I woke up one morning, rolled over, and said "Wow! Brian have you been here this whole time?" We went into battle together, but war doesn't give you much time for growth as a couple. I think for about a year I was shell shocked. I wasn't sure what I was suppose to be doing. I wasn't really unhappy, I just felt lost and unsettled. I worried a lot that year, I was anxious and scared. I don't ever remember a time in my life that I felt so empty. The kids' activities kept me busy, work kept me busy, but busy is just busy...
So here I come up to 43. I have taken a good amount of time really focusing on what the next stage will be. I wondered around aimlessly for the last 2 years and slowly it's all coming together. I see the next stage as a regroup. My kids are needing me less, but they are growing and living more, and I am here to be their cheerleader and their support and their safe haven. I am no longer living for them though. My marriage has taken a little hit the last couple years. The tide goes in and out, we always knew that, but the cool thing is, it's time for the tide to come back in. Brian and I have so much more time to spend together. We can start falling in love again. (I never fell out of love to begin with, but all the old people tell me love is about falling in love over and over again) We can step back and watch our amazing children grow up some. We can support them and love them and show them what life is about. I also know with kids getting ready for college, and driving, and being more independent I need to focus on my career a little more. I think my biggest struggle is building a bigger support system for Brian and I. In that battle we lost touch with the outside world. We didn't have much time for anyone else. The same goes for me. My friend circle is small and it's time to widen it again.
I know this is nothing new to anyone. We all have stages, for each of us they are different and unique. Some of you may never experience the same stages I did and I may never experience life like anyone else. My core message remains the same though...we are all connected by something, we are all in this together, and by sharing our story and our life we can touch others. I hope my story touches at least one of you today, for tomorrow I start living the rest of my life.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Connecting, Texting, Talking OH MY
I have been thinking a lot the last few days about texting, talking and generally connecting. I know in an earlier post I wrote about my feelings on connecting, that drive I have in me to not make people feel invisible, love lacking, or lost. I have really tried to work on connecting with people more in the last few months. I am really, REALLY trying to make sure the friends and family in my life know I think about them, care for them and want them to know they are important. Interestingly enough I have run into a weird dilemma.
I love that we have social media and ways to connect so easily now a days. Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, email, text...so many wonderful connections. I also hate it. Something gets lost in these venues of connected that doesn't get lost when you actually have a conversation, a face to face interaction, a real "talk". I am a woman of body language. I have always been someone who is so observant in watching other people, reading their body language, listening to voice intonations, watching facial expressions, all the parts that make a conversation real and interactive. With a real life conversation words can be exchanged, ideas and feelings can be verified, and less is left for misunderstanding. I am GOOD, even GREAT at personal, deep and emotional conversations (not to be confused with social, idle chit-chat conversations, ..I still struggle with those) because I read people so well. I think it's why I am so good at my job, I honestly can put a patient at ease in a matter of seconds if I can see, with my eyes, what they are saying. Words are just words, they are not conversation. Words can be misinterpreted, unless there is emotion, or body, or eyes, or "language" behind them. I know that words can be misinterpreted even with these factors, but verification of understanding is so much easier when you see confusion on someones face vs a "?" in a text, or when you see a silence in a conversation when someone is thinking, vs a lack of response in a text...when you have no idea why.
So this is my struggle. I want to be connected to my friends and family, I want them to know they are important and visible, and loved. I decided to start using text, email, facebook ect.. in an effort to make the time and effort possible. It is working in many places, but in some it's lacking. I find when I get down to the nitty gritty of some conversations I don't know the true meaning behind the words. What one person may intend at sarcastic I read as hurtful, what I intend as light hearted may get interpreted as too serious, or angry. Things that are intended to be heartfelt come off as shallow...you get my point, and I can almost guarantee you all have felt that way or had those same interactions at some point. Sometimes by the end of a conversation via text or email I am so confused, frustrated, and lost that the conversation just ends and neither party really has a clue what happened.
There is something to be said for sending a happy note, a "I'm thinking of you", a "just wanted to say hello" to someone to help brighten their day, but there is something so greatly missed when words and emotions, and body language is taken away from a conversation. I worry about my children as they get older. I wonder how well I have taught them to have a conversation, to see what people are saying and not just read what the are saying. I have come to realize that even sending notes of encouragement and love can never really replace the feeling of true connection in a face to face conversation. So I guess I need to update my plan, I want to continue to connect, to send my thoughts and good wishes, but I need to make sure that in my attempt true friendship and connection is not lost. Although I am the queen of reading people I am also the queen of reading into things. Without the visual I become a mess, clarifying and re clarifying, confusing lack of words with lack of caring, second guessing meanings, a dilemma that I think transpired much because of social media. Maybe it's just good to know I am that kind of person, being aware is helpful. Now I just need to figure out how to make it all work.
Stay connected friends. It's what keeps us going. You are all important and all play an important role in life. Let's just hope all the words don't get lost in translation.
I love that we have social media and ways to connect so easily now a days. Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, email, text...so many wonderful connections. I also hate it. Something gets lost in these venues of connected that doesn't get lost when you actually have a conversation, a face to face interaction, a real "talk". I am a woman of body language. I have always been someone who is so observant in watching other people, reading their body language, listening to voice intonations, watching facial expressions, all the parts that make a conversation real and interactive. With a real life conversation words can be exchanged, ideas and feelings can be verified, and less is left for misunderstanding. I am GOOD, even GREAT at personal, deep and emotional conversations (not to be confused with social, idle chit-chat conversations, ..I still struggle with those) because I read people so well. I think it's why I am so good at my job, I honestly can put a patient at ease in a matter of seconds if I can see, with my eyes, what they are saying. Words are just words, they are not conversation. Words can be misinterpreted, unless there is emotion, or body, or eyes, or "language" behind them. I know that words can be misinterpreted even with these factors, but verification of understanding is so much easier when you see confusion on someones face vs a "?" in a text, or when you see a silence in a conversation when someone is thinking, vs a lack of response in a text...when you have no idea why.
So this is my struggle. I want to be connected to my friends and family, I want them to know they are important and visible, and loved. I decided to start using text, email, facebook ect.. in an effort to make the time and effort possible. It is working in many places, but in some it's lacking. I find when I get down to the nitty gritty of some conversations I don't know the true meaning behind the words. What one person may intend at sarcastic I read as hurtful, what I intend as light hearted may get interpreted as too serious, or angry. Things that are intended to be heartfelt come off as shallow...you get my point, and I can almost guarantee you all have felt that way or had those same interactions at some point. Sometimes by the end of a conversation via text or email I am so confused, frustrated, and lost that the conversation just ends and neither party really has a clue what happened.
There is something to be said for sending a happy note, a "I'm thinking of you", a "just wanted to say hello" to someone to help brighten their day, but there is something so greatly missed when words and emotions, and body language is taken away from a conversation. I worry about my children as they get older. I wonder how well I have taught them to have a conversation, to see what people are saying and not just read what the are saying. I have come to realize that even sending notes of encouragement and love can never really replace the feeling of true connection in a face to face conversation. So I guess I need to update my plan, I want to continue to connect, to send my thoughts and good wishes, but I need to make sure that in my attempt true friendship and connection is not lost. Although I am the queen of reading people I am also the queen of reading into things. Without the visual I become a mess, clarifying and re clarifying, confusing lack of words with lack of caring, second guessing meanings, a dilemma that I think transpired much because of social media. Maybe it's just good to know I am that kind of person, being aware is helpful. Now I just need to figure out how to make it all work.
Stay connected friends. It's what keeps us going. You are all important and all play an important role in life. Let's just hope all the words don't get lost in translation.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Closet Sports Lover
Ok, so maybe the title is a little misleading. However, very few people in my older life may be aware of the fact that I am a lover of sports. I absolutely love sports, of most any kind really, but my true love and passion....High School Sports.
I played basketball and volleyball in high school. My kids claim it wasn't "real" sport because I attended a small school in Montana and had only 45 people in my class. I beg to differ (and I guarantee all my high school friends, close relatives and Whitehall Montana townies will agree with me). I am sure coming from a large school in the city, small town sports seem silly, but my kids can laugh at me and tease me all they like, my high school sports were the best!
I am not too awfully picky about the sports I like. I grew up on football, basketball, volleyball and track. I have learned to love baseball, and I'm working on hockey (thanks to my husband's teachings). I live for the Olympics, and I could park myself in front of the T.V. for the summer and winter Olympics day and night.
It's all about the strategy, competitiveness and the...ok I'm that mom...the WIN. I am super, SUPER competitive. Yes I grew up in a house of competitiveness. All of us (mom, dad, brother and sister) quiet, controlled and lethal competitors. I'm not a poor sport, but winning is the best. I am so against the whole "we are just playing for fun, let the kids have fun, there are no winners or losers, we are all in this for the joy of the game"...UM...NO...I'm in it to win. Remember my post on being controlled and showing no emotion? Ya, well...sports don't count. I'm never rude, I don't yell at the ref (refs really can't win or lose a game in my opinion) and I don't shout negatives at the other team, but I just can't keep quiet when sports are involved.
Why high school sports you may wonder? Do you know how much passion a high school athlete has? High school is their time. Have you ever went to a high school game and just felt the buzzing of energy? Those kids literally evoke the power of passion. I love watching the intensity of a good coach, the magic of a strong, connected team and the power of true strategy. I can almost not put into words the emotion I feel behind sports.
I sat through a girls high school basketball game tonight. The game went into double overtime with a win by only 2 points. IT. WAS. SO. FUN! I could barely wait for my kids to become old enough to do high school sports, or competition events, and guess what WE MADE IT!! I am loving it.
If you want to get a buzz and feel the power of competition I encourage you to go to a State High School sporting event. I challenge anyone to leave one of those games without a boost of adrenaline.
Sports...just one of life's simple pleasures.
I played basketball and volleyball in high school. My kids claim it wasn't "real" sport because I attended a small school in Montana and had only 45 people in my class. I beg to differ (and I guarantee all my high school friends, close relatives and Whitehall Montana townies will agree with me). I am sure coming from a large school in the city, small town sports seem silly, but my kids can laugh at me and tease me all they like, my high school sports were the best!
I am not too awfully picky about the sports I like. I grew up on football, basketball, volleyball and track. I have learned to love baseball, and I'm working on hockey (thanks to my husband's teachings). I live for the Olympics, and I could park myself in front of the T.V. for the summer and winter Olympics day and night.
It's all about the strategy, competitiveness and the...ok I'm that mom...the WIN. I am super, SUPER competitive. Yes I grew up in a house of competitiveness. All of us (mom, dad, brother and sister) quiet, controlled and lethal competitors. I'm not a poor sport, but winning is the best. I am so against the whole "we are just playing for fun, let the kids have fun, there are no winners or losers, we are all in this for the joy of the game"...UM...NO...I'm in it to win. Remember my post on being controlled and showing no emotion? Ya, well...sports don't count. I'm never rude, I don't yell at the ref (refs really can't win or lose a game in my opinion) and I don't shout negatives at the other team, but I just can't keep quiet when sports are involved.
Why high school sports you may wonder? Do you know how much passion a high school athlete has? High school is their time. Have you ever went to a high school game and just felt the buzzing of energy? Those kids literally evoke the power of passion. I love watching the intensity of a good coach, the magic of a strong, connected team and the power of true strategy. I can almost not put into words the emotion I feel behind sports.
I sat through a girls high school basketball game tonight. The game went into double overtime with a win by only 2 points. IT. WAS. SO. FUN! I could barely wait for my kids to become old enough to do high school sports, or competition events, and guess what WE MADE IT!! I am loving it.
If you want to get a buzz and feel the power of competition I encourage you to go to a State High School sporting event. I challenge anyone to leave one of those games without a boost of adrenaline.
Sports...just one of life's simple pleasures.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
2014 and Resolutions
Happy 2014! This year is starting off cold here, with snow, and movies, and family time..just like I like it. I had a fantastic Christmas, a wonderful New Years with family and friends, and am now getting back into the swing of our regular life patterns. I will admit, I like regular life patterns as a mother.
I was thinking about resolutions since it is the "New" year, and every year I find myself taking on a personal battle of change. How should I change this year? I think for the last 20 years of my life I have had the same typish ideas..I need to lose weight, I need to exercise more, I need to be a better mother, I need to work harder...ect..ect. so this year I decided to take a little different twist on resolutions. I decided I was going to resolve to more content with limited change. I resolved that I am going to not worry so much about what I need to change, but rather be content in what I have, am and do. I resolved to look at who I am and instead of thinking about what I needed to change, I was going to think about what was exactly right with me. So here is my 2014 resolve list.
1.) I am a great mother. My children are involved in many, many, MANY activities and I support them in each and everyone of them. I love my children, I keep them fed, dressed, and housed. I challenge their minds, teach them lessons, and help them recognize their wonderful talents and gifts. I get little sleep, give up my desserts and have inner battles with myself on a daily basis, because I am a great mother for my children.
2.) My body is beautiful. My body is a temple. It have big curves and wrinkles and gray hairs to prove it's living. I can exercise, sing, dance, hug, and talk. My body rarely fails me. I can't remember the last time I wanted to do something and my body wouldn't function appropriately for me to do it. My body may not be the body everyone wants, or anyone wants for that matter, but it is beautiful and it is mine.
3.) I am intelligent. I love to learn, and although I wouldn't call myself an expert at any one thing, I believe I am knowledgeable about so many wonderful and amazing subjects. I would go to school on a permanent basis if I could afford it.
4.) I am emotional and that is a blessing. I feel emotions deeply. I know I feel them much more deeply than most, my heart can physically ache with pain, or shutter with excitement, or flutter with joy because of my emotions. I feel emotions from the top of my head to the soles of my feet and this is good. To actually know an emotion so deep within my soul is a gift.
5.) I am an amazing employee. I work hard in my job. I care about my patients as if they were family, I do the very best I can and will try harder if asked. I am organized, dependable and trustworthy.
6.) I am a good friend. I will stand behind a friend no matter what. I will sacrifice myself for a friend. I will listen, laugh, cry and sit quietly. I know what it means to be a friend and I will always strive to be the best.
7.) I am sometimes broken and I am working on knowing that is ok. Perfect does not exist, perfect has a different definition to everyone. Knowing perfection and failure do not go hand in hand is good to know.
I am sure every one of you can make a list of your perfect gifts. I challenge you this year to resolve to throw out the judgement and to accept the life and person you are. It may be a daily battle, and your inner voice will challenge you often, and that's okay, because we are strong and we have each other. Happy 2014 my friends!
I was thinking about resolutions since it is the "New" year, and every year I find myself taking on a personal battle of change. How should I change this year? I think for the last 20 years of my life I have had the same typish ideas..I need to lose weight, I need to exercise more, I need to be a better mother, I need to work harder...ect..ect. so this year I decided to take a little different twist on resolutions. I decided I was going to resolve to more content with limited change. I resolved that I am going to not worry so much about what I need to change, but rather be content in what I have, am and do. I resolved to look at who I am and instead of thinking about what I needed to change, I was going to think about what was exactly right with me. So here is my 2014 resolve list.
1.) I am a great mother. My children are involved in many, many, MANY activities and I support them in each and everyone of them. I love my children, I keep them fed, dressed, and housed. I challenge their minds, teach them lessons, and help them recognize their wonderful talents and gifts. I get little sleep, give up my desserts and have inner battles with myself on a daily basis, because I am a great mother for my children.
2.) My body is beautiful. My body is a temple. It have big curves and wrinkles and gray hairs to prove it's living. I can exercise, sing, dance, hug, and talk. My body rarely fails me. I can't remember the last time I wanted to do something and my body wouldn't function appropriately for me to do it. My body may not be the body everyone wants, or anyone wants for that matter, but it is beautiful and it is mine.
3.) I am intelligent. I love to learn, and although I wouldn't call myself an expert at any one thing, I believe I am knowledgeable about so many wonderful and amazing subjects. I would go to school on a permanent basis if I could afford it.
4.) I am emotional and that is a blessing. I feel emotions deeply. I know I feel them much more deeply than most, my heart can physically ache with pain, or shutter with excitement, or flutter with joy because of my emotions. I feel emotions from the top of my head to the soles of my feet and this is good. To actually know an emotion so deep within my soul is a gift.
5.) I am an amazing employee. I work hard in my job. I care about my patients as if they were family, I do the very best I can and will try harder if asked. I am organized, dependable and trustworthy.
6.) I am a good friend. I will stand behind a friend no matter what. I will sacrifice myself for a friend. I will listen, laugh, cry and sit quietly. I know what it means to be a friend and I will always strive to be the best.
7.) I am sometimes broken and I am working on knowing that is ok. Perfect does not exist, perfect has a different definition to everyone. Knowing perfection and failure do not go hand in hand is good to know.
I am sure every one of you can make a list of your perfect gifts. I challenge you this year to resolve to throw out the judgement and to accept the life and person you are. It may be a daily battle, and your inner voice will challenge you often, and that's okay, because we are strong and we have each other. Happy 2014 my friends!
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