I have always been an anxious sort of person. When I was young it came out in a more cautious nature. I was careful, didn't push myself to the limits for fear of getting hurt, physically... and emotionally I suppose. As I got older I continued to be cautious, but I turned more controlling. Controlling is a great way to battle anxiety. If you control your surroundings you can prevent bad things from happening...or so I thought. I was a queen at stuffing my fears, controlling my surroundings and pushing ideas and thoughts to the back of my mind. Now, as I am even older, my body won't let me stuff, and push and control as much as I did when I was younger. All that stuffing is starting to come out...and I don't like it.
Anxiety is soooo tiring. Feeling anxious comes out when you least expect it, when you don't want it, and when you think you have it all together. Anxiety messes with every part of your being, your head, your heart, your physical, your emotional, your sleep....EVERYTHING. Sometimes it smacks me so hard I think I am going to die...literally die...but then, I don't, and I take a step forward, then another, and pretty soon I'm pushing along and moving again.
I have worked really hard for a year to try and figure out ways I can work through, instead of stuff, my anxiety. I have analyzed my fears, changed some patterns, journaled, educated myself, studied, researched, prayed, ran, yoga'd, cried, hid, got angry, got sad....and I am still working on it. I hate the part where I don't sleep, that' s the worse. Anxiety likes night time. Night time is quiet, and still and there aren't many defenses to fight off the anxiety. Anxiety has ugly finger nails, and sharp fangs and likes to tap on your forehead until you go crazy. Anxiety makes me feel ashamed, weak and inadequate. Anxiety fights with my more confident side, the side that I know is really the me I want to be.
I know that anxiety is a response to fear. I know I am fearful. I know the first step to any fear is to admit the fear and to face the fear and to not let the fear win. Anxiety is very irrational. I don't like being irrational, yet...I often am.
I'm working on it.
I'm writing this tonight to let anyone who reads this know...we are all working on something, and if you will send some prayers, thoughts, good ju ju my way, I will do the same to you, because we all are working towards something. We aren't alone, we all have good, positive and happy energy to share.
