Tomorrow I am taking my youngest to pick up her schedule for her first year in middle school. I've taken two kids through this process already, but for some reason, probably because she is my youngest, I am just not thinking we are ready. When I say we, I know it really means me, but it feels so much better to say "we" so I feel like my fears are justified. I just can't see my little Makenna girl with more independence, less direction, less protection and more vulnerable. I think the vulnerable part is what's getting to me.
Kayla, my oldest, has always been so independent. I think she came out of the womb, looked me in the eye, put up her hand and said, "back off Mom, I got this!" Greyson, my second, has always been a casual sort of kid. He isn't type A like Kayla. Organization and details sort of cramp his style, but the thing about him, life just rolls off his back. Also, he's a people person. He really doesn't seem to make enemies, he has a lot of friends, and lets life cruise along.
Makenna will be attending a different middle school than her brother due to our plans for moving into a new neighborhood/new house within the next year. I wanted Greyson to finish his middle school where he started and want Makenna to start where she'll end. All very rational...but then my irrational mind kicks in and I panic. Makenna is going to a new school where she knows no one (although honestly, that kid knows someone everywhere we go..like really..no joke, she runs into more people out in public than I think there are people I know.) But more importantly, I have to go to a new middle school. I don't know any of the parents, teachers, the processes, the rules. No one will know us,...UGH. I have had 6 years at my current middle school, now I have to change...But wait, this was about Makenna.
Makenna... she's a small girl, like tiny small. She doesn't even look like she's in middle school yet. Those other kids are going to tower over her, I mean, if she gets a top locker she's going to have to borrow a chair, she'll be late for class because I just know her small little frame will get shoved in the corner, she'll drop all her papers and books, no one will notice and the bell will ring. Ok, so maybe she'll get a lower locker and all will be well, but irrational mind is working here.
I'm not prepared to deal with the drama for middle school. Makenna is a drama princess. She likes drama, she falls into drama, she lives for drama. If there is drama, Makenna will definitely know about it, listen to it, and give you the low down on he said, she said. Which translates to me as ...ME: "Makenna, what homework do you have to do tonight"
Makenna: "I don't know, Billy and Joey got in a fight over Terra and Jessica started to cry, the bell rang and I left to go help Jessica find Kleenex."
Me: "So you have no idea what homework you have tonight?"
Makenna: "Moooom, what's more important, helping a friend or fractions...please..."
So yes, I'm a little unprepared.
Mostly though, life scares me. The thought of new things, changes and possible rejection, pain and failure cause me stress. I feel even more stress when it's my kids who may confront these issues. I know they are going to face adversity, and so far my children have always handled that adversity with grace and poise. Even though I have raised and am raising my children well, I still find myself a little sick to my stomach when I anticipate a possible situation where pain, rejection, failure, fear etc. may come into play. No one wants their kid to be the bullied one, or the one to bully for that matter. No one wants to see their child struggle, even though it's through struggle that we learn. No one wants to see their child scared, or anxious, even though that is where courage and pride stem. Mostly, I just want to know it will be ok, and that's just not something anyone knows.
So, tomorrow I will walk into a new school, my stomach will be in knots, I will not be able to eat breakfast, I will probably get teared up as my daughter flits from place to place, saying hello to the people I know she will know, (cuz that's her) and I will want to take her hand and run back home to our safe place. However, I will not...because..well, because this is just the next stepping stone.
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