A wise mentor and friend of mind recently told me.."You have no right to take away someone else's sadness, pain, failure, disappointment. Why would you wish that your family, friends, coworkers would not go through sadness? You are denying others of their journey, that is not your right"
That statement may sound harsh, and taken out of context, incorrect, but after several months of contemplation...I have come to believe that statement is exactly correct, and what I needed to hear.
I am a caretaker, A TAKER...I have lived my life taking from others. Taking on other people's unwanted emotions, situations, negative vibes, transitions, expectations. My grandma Nonie always said I was born mature. Now that I am mature, I think what she meant was that I was born an old soul, one that believed she could heal the world (and often does heal), one that could take the negative energy from another in order to allow them to let go, one who listens without judgement, who holds the weight of others so they can walk without struggle. I chose a job where I am paid to be a caretaker, I walk into people's lives when they are at their lowest and try to take away some of their burden. I have lived most of my adult life (if not my childhood as well) making decisions based on how it would influence those around me, making final decisions based on protecting others, at my own expense often. I have got lost in a world of giving and taking, all the time forgetting that this life is ultimately about me and my journey.
At the turn of the year I sat down and decided, it was enough. I spent one year of running races-was I running to or from something? a year of going to concerts-allowing myself an escape, time to not focus on other's needs. What is it all about? Looking for permission, from who? Myself..permission to say "this life is about me, and it's time I live it that way" No more taking. It's time to fill myself with the same amount of energy that I give.
What do I love in life? I love conversation, reading, writing, movies, books, exercise, music, music, music...dancing, baking, traveling, being with friends, rain, loving, hugging, laughing until I cry...Those are the things I need to focus on. The things that make me love life, and for the first time I think I need to do it with no one in mind but myself.
I have been a mom for 21 years, a wife for 24 years, a daughter for 47 years, a sister for 45 years, a friend forever...I love my roles, but I don't know that I have ever been just me. I take my roles seriously, I want to be the best in all of them. In my eyes being the best was making everyone else so happy, and so loved that it didn't matter what I felt. My needs were second, at best, because someone else could move forward in a better space because of me. Saying it that way makes me sound like a martyr. That was never my intent, my intentions have most always been about love and giving.
So..this is the year of me. I still plan to live life giving and loving, but not at the expense of myself. I look forward to writing more, reading good books, seeing good movies with my sister, spending time with my husband, kids and friends, going on trips, putting together puzzles, running, walking, dancing, and laughing until I cry. I have to admit, this is going to be one of the biggest challenges I have ever faced. I have never known life with me as the center. I have a very hard time doing things for myself without feeling selfish or guilty, two emotions I hope to suppress a little more this year. I am sure I will find myself drawn to my old patterns and habits, but I also know I will try my hardest and hope to find myself fully along the way. Here's to a year of me. Let the journey begin.
