Christmas Eve Montana Style

I have been making cookies and listening to Christmas music tonight.  Something I do around Christmas every year.  Tonight there is snow on the ground here in Blue Springs, and I find myself feeling a little brighter because of it. 

Montana always had snow on Christmas when I was growing up, at least that's the way I remember it.  The most beautiful vision is a moon splashing it's light on a field of snow.  The snow is untouched, a mountain shadow sits in the background, the stars twinkle lightly and the snow glistens like dancing fairies.  That's the picture out my window growing up. I remember waking up (or not yet going to sleep) Christmas Eve, and looking out my window and seeing that glorious sight.  I also remember looking down onto the ranch houses, wondering if my grandparents, or my great grandmother were awake.  There was always a light on in the bathroom window of my grandparents home, Great Grandma Cora's house was usually dark, lightened only by the moon on the snow.

Christmas Eve was a magical night as a child.  I absolutely Loved, Loved, Loved our Christmas Eve traditions growing up.  The night most often started in town at my Great Aunt and Great Uncle's home.  The whole family would gather and bundle up, ready to go do our traditional caroling around our small little town of Whitehall. There were usually around 40 of us I think.  As a child I'm sure it seemed like a lot of people, but we are a big family and 40 seems about right.  We always started in town and stopped by church friends and family friends' homes, a caravan of 4-5 cars full of people, singing in the front yards.  I am amazed we never left anyone behind, when we were done singing, the kids would scramble for the cars, sometimes going with a different group then started.  We made our way through town and then moved to the more rural areas towards Cardwell.  We stopped at the farm houses and ranches of our neighbors, singing 3 or so songs, and then hustling back to the cars for our next stop.  We ended our caroling adventure at the Ranch.  ( Here is a picture of where I grew up.  The ranch are all the green buildings that sit in the valley, the house on the hill, our house.  Image this covered in snow!  AMAZING)

 

 

After the caroling adventure we would all gather in Grandma Nonie and Grandpa Dale's house.  As a kid it was perfect.  I think back now and am amazed how we all fit, there home was a small 3 bedroom ranch home.  We sat on the floor, on the couch, on the tables, it was PERFECT!  Grandma always had cookies and drinks (and probably food) and then Santa would make his presence.  He always handed out a gift to each person.  (My Grandpa Dale loved playing Santa) We all laughed and joked and enjoyed each other's company.  I remember not wanting the night to end. 

 

 

When the evening did have to end, my family would make the short trek home (often my brother and I would race up the hill trying to beat mom and dad home while they took the car).  Our own family tradition included opening up one Christmas present before going to bed.  Cookies and milk were set out for Santa and the Christmas tree lights were left on all night.  Looking out the big picture windows I could see the moon lighting up the fields.  That scene set the most peaceful scene I can remember. EVER. IN. MY. LIFE.  I wish I had a picture to share with you, it's perfect in my mind. 

 

I still carry over some of the traditions.  I haven't caroled in years, but we always have Christmas music playing Christmas Eve.  We still leave the Christmas tree lights on all night, we open one gift before bed, we leave our the cookies and milk, and every year after everyone has gone to sleep I go stand and look out the window.  When the moon is bright, and there is snow on the ground I can almost imagine the sparkling fields, the bathroom light shining in my Grandparents home, that peaceful present that God gave me every Christmas Eve.  This year I no longer have any grandparents to share in the holiday.  The first year they all have been gone.  I imagine though, that each and everyone of them is helping to make the snow sparkle, maybe twinkling like a star to help keep my picture alive.

 

Merry Christmas to you all. 

 

 I cant find a picture of each of my Grandparents but here's a few.  Grandpa Rob and Grandma Cora I love you too!!

Grandpa Dale (with Uncle Rand)

Grandma Sis (with Mom)

Grandma Nonie (with Mary Beth)



My Aunt Diane

Today my Aunt Diane is on my mind.  I sometimes have a hard time thinking of her as my Aunt because she is more like my older sister.  Diane is my Dad's youngest sister, and just 4 years older than I.  We grew up together.  She was my role model, my "I want to be just like her" person in life.  I followed her around as a kid, went to all of her high school sporting events, weezled my way into her high school group conversations..all the things a little sister would do, but the cool thing was, she was my Aunt so she didn't get mad at me like an older sister.  We didn't have the typical sibling issues.  That was the cool part, we didn't fight like sisters, but we loved like sisters.

Today as I was driving home from work I started thinking about Diane.  We haven't lived close to each other for years.  We see each other once a year at best.  We try to keep in contact, but time passes too quickly and we often lose touch more than we would like. What I was thinking today was this...Diane lives her life with no apologies.  We could joke that because she is the youngest ,"the baby" in a family of 9, that she is spoiled and that is why.  It may be part of it, but I don't think so.  I think Diane learned a long time ago that living wasn't about apologies.  Being who you are is was it is, YOU.   I was thinking about this today as I thought about how apologetic I am for... me.. I apologize for everything..the way I look, the way I act, the way I feel, the way I react...everything.  Today as I drove home from work I was feeling weak and vulnerable.  I was tearing up and just feeling emotionally beat up.  I realized I immediately felt shame..apologizing to myself for having emotions that were sad, or frustrating or non happy.  Really, I was just tired.  I had a long day and was feeling sensitive.  Then a thought popped into my head.  I remember Diane telling me that one day she was in line at the grocery store and had been having a bad day, a lady asked her how she was, and she just broke out in tears.  I'm sure the lady had her opinions of what was going on...but no matter good or bad, Diane wasn't apologetic for being herself, for having emotions, she was just her honest, emotional, loving, feeling self.  That memory alone helped me feel okay.  I let the tears come and go and realized I didn't need to apologize for them.

Diane has always been that way.  I never have known Diane to judge someone else.  I have never known Diane to become angry and hold a grudge, she states her feelings and then moves on in love.  She doesn't apologize for her feelings, she also loves deeply, unconditionally and whole heartedly. Diane states the facts as she sees them, or feels them or knows them.  Diane isn't scared to stand up for herself, to discipline her children, to state her beliefs.  She may disagree with me on all of these points, but this is how I have always seen her.  I have always admired her determination, her ability to let her emotions flow, yet never apologize for them.  I love her ever compassionate heart, her loving acceptance and her honest being.   Today I am so greatful for her example.  I hope to one day grow up to be more like her...accepting and gentle with myself.

"Please Don't Stop the Music"

Music is such a healing venue for me.  I am not sure what makes music so therapeutic, but let me tell you, my emotions are practically linked to music.  As much as I would like to say that I'm talking about classical Mozart, or deep healing instrumental intonations, I will be totally honest and say, that's not what I'm talking about at all.  The music I'm talking about is my go to music.  It's not even music that half the time I know who is singing/playing it.  I stick my "Pandora" on the Pop fitness station and BOOM!  there it is. At least of late, that's where it is.  Maroon 5, Britney Spears, Usher, Rihanna, Pink, Christina...you get the point.  I love to blast the music.  I like it going straight to my ears so it has a direct channel to my heart, soul, mind.  I can turn my mood around in about 2 minutes, I can exercise longer,  I can conquer the world (or so I think) when the music is right. 

It's not always that music though.  Sometimes it's the soft stuff, or the emotionally touching stuff,  the whine of a violin, the singing of a clarinet, the bellow of a horn, the dancing of a piano.  Sometimes it's the words,  other times it's the pounding but always it hits me hard in the chest.  I have been stuck on this whole "connecting" thing lately and realized that music is a connection for me.  I can hear music and often a memory simulatiously occurs.  Often I can remember a year, a date, a moment.  It's powerful.

I also love music that hits my soul and gives me an emotion that's new, that sets a new experience, that prepares me for a change. A memory in my head that can be recalled at a later time for reminiscing or to bring back the experience like its new again.  Music can express feelings and intentions on a level that can't be reached another way.  Music can help your soul heal.

But really right now, music has been hitting me in a different way.  I enjoy that deep soulful music, but lately I LOVE the kick ass, make me want to run, dance, walk on water kind of music.  My attitude, my self confidence, my mood all is different when music is piped in.  I wish I could just walk around with headphones in all day, it would be interesting to see how I got through a day set to music.  Like a little soundtrack to my life. 

What's your soundtrack?  Would love to hear what makes you move right now...

Connection

A few weeks ago a coworker/friend of mine passed away.  I don't have much information on the cause of her death, really that isn't important.  I didn't know her "well".  I say that lightly, because I don't know how "well" anyone knows anybody.  I do know that I knew about her history, her family, her personality, her job (of course), but even what I knew may only well have been what she chose to allow me to know.  However, I knew her well enough.  I knew her well enough to know that when we stopped working together over a year ago, I should have stayed in touch.  I knew her well enough to know that it would have taken me only 1 minute to pick up the phone and call her to see how she was doing, 1 hour to drive to her home and stop by to say hi, 1 moment to tell her she was an important person, she was loved, and she mattered.  I thought about it many moments of my life, but didn't take one moment to act on it.  Shame on me!

I have been thinking a lot lately about connection.  Connection between people, friends, family, co-workers.  We live in a world of connection, but do we really connect?  We live in a world where we can pick up a phone and call, text, email in a matter of 1 minute, but do we really connect? I'm feeling more and more like we don't.

I am an introvert.  I have a hard time connecting.  I "fret" about connecting with people because I doubt my abilities to present myself in a fashion, acceptable to me.  Picking up the phone to call someone makes me nervous, if I have to have a social conversation with an acquaintance, a stranger and sometimes even a friend, I break out in a small rash.  I avoid making eye contact in a public place, with PEOPLE I KNOW!!! (it's crazy) because making small talk is sooo hard.  I would rather hold a conversation with the check out lady...because if I make a fool of myself, or say something totally wacky, she won't probably ever remember me anyway.  I also struggle with the emotions of connecting. Other people's emotions literally can engulf my being and I don't know what to do with them.  Sometimes I cry just standing next to someone who I know is emotionally struggling.

Because I am an introvert I also know this.  Connection is necessary to survive. I guess I should have said EVEN as an introvert I know connection is necessary to survive.  Without connections we can feel invisible.  No one should feel invisible.  Yet, people do,  because of lack of connection.

I have not been doing a good job of connecting.  I place myself in my safe bubble, and I move through the motions of work, motherhood, wife hood, volunteerism, etc.. and I don't connect.  I make people feel invisible.  Why??  I love connecting! I love to really get to connect on a deep level with people, but getting there takes some work, and maintaining it takes some work, and then I get sort of tired, and want to go back in my bubble where it's safe.

I decided that is my New Year's Resolution.  I am going to work to connect.  I don't want anyone that I call friend, family, co-worker, acquaintance....ANYONE, to feel invisible.   I want to keep a connection that is good and supportive.  I often wonder,  "How many people gave me a thought today.  How many times did I cross someones mind today?"  Without connection no one ever knows, and I believe NO ONE, should every feel like they didn't cross someone's mind.  Connection can be simple. Because of the technology of today one small, short, 10 sec text can let someone know they aren't invisible, they aren't forgotten, they aren't alone.  That 10 seconds of my day may help someone get through a month. 

I challenge everyone to think about connecting.  Make someone aware of their importance.  It really only takes about 10 second, and maybe that 10 seconds will turn into exactly what someone else was needing.   Maybe that connection will rekindle a friendship, and that friendship will build a foundation for a support system, and that support system will make someone feel like life is worth living.   Or maybe it will just make someone smile.  Either way, it's all about connection.

Anxiety

I have always been an anxious sort of person.  When I was young it came out in a more cautious nature.  I was careful, didn't push myself to the limits for fear of getting hurt, physically... and emotionally I suppose.  As I got older I continued to be cautious, but I turned more controlling.  Controlling is a great way to battle anxiety.  If you control your surroundings you can prevent bad things from happening...or so I thought.  I was a queen at stuffing my fears, controlling my surroundings and pushing ideas and thoughts to the back of my mind.  Now, as I am even older, my body won't let me stuff, and push and control as much as I did when I was younger.  All that stuffing is starting to come out...and I don't like it. 

Anxiety is soooo tiring. Feeling anxious comes out when you least expect it, when you don't want it, and when you think you have it all together.  Anxiety messes with every part of your being, your head, your heart, your physical, your emotional, your sleep....EVERYTHING.  Sometimes it smacks me so hard I think I am going to die...literally die...but then,  I don't, and I take a step forward, then another, and pretty soon I'm pushing along and moving again. 

I have worked really hard for a year to try and figure out ways I can work through, instead of stuff, my anxiety.  I have analyzed my fears, changed some patterns, journaled, educated myself, studied, researched,  prayed, ran, yoga'd, cried, hid, got angry, got sad....and I am still working on it.  I hate the part where I don't sleep, that' s the worse.  Anxiety likes night time.  Night time is  quiet, and still and there aren't many defenses to fight off the anxiety.  Anxiety has ugly finger nails, and sharp fangs and likes to tap on your forehead until you go crazy.  Anxiety makes me feel ashamed, weak and inadequate.  Anxiety fights with my more confident side, the side that I know is really the me I want to be.

I know that anxiety is a response to fear.  I know I am fearful.  I know the first step to any fear is to admit the fear and to face the fear and to not let the fear win.  Anxiety is very irrational.  I don't like being irrational, yet...I often am.

I'm working on it.

 I'm writing this tonight to let anyone who reads this know...we are all working on something, and if you will send some prayers, thoughts, good ju ju my way, I will do the same to you, because we all are working towards something.  We aren't alone, we all have good, positive and happy energy to share. 

A Real Life Lesson-Pass it on

This post idea has been in my head for wayyy to long.  I am a big believer that when something in your head won't go away it's time to do something about it, and this is my time! I have to make one disclaiming statement before I go on...I HATE RESEARCH.  I love, love, love to learn, but I never have liked research.  My research is often about real life to me.  I live my research, what I see, hear and live is where I get my information.  Yes, on occasion I will actually do "official" research, for certain subjects, but it's daunting, and gives me a headache.  So...what I am about to write about comes only from MY LIFE EXPERIENCE, what I have seen, heard and lived...So, don't sue me.

OK, so...I have worked as an Occupational Therapist for 13 or so years now.  The majority of my work (not by original choice) has led me to working with the elderly population.  I say "elderly" meaning 75-103 years old.  I work with anyone from 18 and up, but especially the last 7 years my population has been elderly.  I work mostly in Skilled Nursing Facilities, Long Term Care (Nursing Homes) combined with  Hospitals (Acute care, Rehab units and outpatient).  I want to talk specifically about Long Term Care (what many of you know as nursing homes).  I have a lot of teachings in my head, and feel like it's about time I get them out to the general population.  I don't call myself an "expert" in the area, but let me tell you, I think I know enough to give some sound advice and suggestions. I hope to post about a lot of things I have learned from my job, but today..I want you to take some advice about placing your family member in a Nursing Home.

I feel like there is a huge misconception about what exactly a Nursing Home has to offer people.  If you look at the brochures at any facility you will see some happy, smiling "elderly" individuals playing cards, laughing with friends, eating a meal that looks like it was made for the king of England, and generally living life to the fullest.  Folks, those pictures may be true to a very...VERY small percentage of the individuals in that Nursing Home, but don't fool yourself into believing it's the norm, because it isn't.  I am not here to judge you and your family's life decisions.  We all do what we can, when we can, and how we can. I do want to tell you, there are some things you CAN do to make your family member have the best experience possible, which requires a little work on your part.

First off..Nursing homes are understaffed, almost always.  Not understaffed as in, people called in and no one could cover, but I'm talking the ratio of nursing caregivers to patient is terrible.  I don't know the laws, I  don't really care what they are, all I do know is, the amount of people a CNA has to care for in a day vs the duties is not good.  Imagine you are caring for 20 children ranging in age from 2 to 15.  Of those 20 kids 4 can walk and care for themselves with only need for supervision (like a 15 year old).  5 can get around in a wheelchair or walker and may need help with getting a few things done in the morning (like an 8 year old) 7 of those people are like 2-3 year old, they need help with every aspect of their care, able to help a little, but not much, and the other 4 are like infants, requiring full care. Now, you have 2 people throughout an 8 to 12 hour day caring for these people.  How much could you really attend to each individual with having to care for 20 people in almost every aspect of their lives.  Really....how much time?  In all the nursing homes I have worked in, as a therapist, in the last 13 years I have only seen once when the staff to patient ratio was better than 2 to 20-25 people.  So, keep that in mind as you look for a place.  What is your family member able to do on their own?  Toilet? Dress? Walk? Eat? because they have to rely on 2 people caring for 20 other people to help them. 

So, I could just sit and complain about this, or I could come up with some suggestions about how to make this a better situation, which is what has been swimming in my head for years.  How can I make this poor situation better?  The answer...Help to teach families better ways to help their loved ones survive in a Nursing Home.  So, here are some suggestions, taken from my experience, as well as after talking to some LTC residents.  This list is not even close to the extent of my suggestions, but it's a start.  Hopefully I will one day take the time to sit down and write an extensive list, maybe even teach a class, but for now, here's a beginning.

 

1.) "Even though you are surrounded by people, you feel alone" a direct quote from more than one patient.  Nursing homes are filled with people, however, I would say 80% of these people are sooooo, sooo lonely.  The majority of the people in nursing homes can't interact like the "normal" person living at home.  Thinking they are all sitting around chatting it up and enjoying life is not a true.  My advice...don't rely on the other individuals (workers or patients) to provide the companionship needed to prevent loneliness, it just doesn't happen that way.  You, as a family member, friend or loved one need to help your family member make a plan to prevent loneliness.  Set up a schedule of visits and visitors,  put people in place to call on a daily or weekly schedule, take your loved one on outings, visit them weekly (at least), bring them meals, games...just provide them with visits of any kind.  This is their home, but it is often a lonely one.  One patient told me "If someone tells me they are coming to see me next Thursday, I often feel like I can survive the next days only because I have something to look forward to"

 

2.) The Nursing Home should not smell.  Now I know the bodily functions are stinky things, but if taken care of in a timely fashion, in a proper fashion and with respect, those smells should be incidental only...I'm not talking about your occasional yucky odor, I mean that stale urine smell that sits in your nose the rest of the day.  This to me is the first indication that people aren't doing their jobs, or that cleanliness is not addressed well.  Stinky does not have to be the main smell.  That being said, provide your loved one with a plug in for heaven's sake, and reconsider placement in a smelly facility, this says more then you will ever, EVER know.

 

3.) Residents in a nursing home, on average, get two showers a week.  Is that really enough?  That doesn't mean a shower twice a week with sponge baths daily...it means a shower OR sponge bath 2 times a week.  But guess what..you can request(although I would prefer DEMAND) that your family member get more showers,  and...knowing that ratio I talked about..it's not going to be easy, but the more active you are in their care the better care they get.  I will repeat that "THE MORE ACTIVE YOU ARE IN THEIR CARE, THE BETTER CARE THEY GET"

 

4.) If your family member can't brush their teeth alone, it won't happen.  This one is extremely disturbing to me as a daughter of dentist.   I really don't have much else to say, it just doesn't happen, it's one of those things that isn't top on the priority list as the 2 staff members are dressing 20 patients in 30 minutes.  So, make a plan, put up reminders for the patient and staff that "Elsie" needs her dentures soaked each night, or to help "Elsie" brush her teeth before breakfast. Also consider an electric toothbrush for easier ability to brush.  This is one problem I just haven't found a great solution.

 

5.) Make your family member's room as homey as possible.  Bring in furniture from home, put up pictures, flowers, organization bins (as the space you are provided is super small most of the time) lamps, (as overhead lighting is brutal first thing in the morning) and beg for a window side.  Who wants the side of the room with no window?  How depressing...If they don't get the window side suggest that the roommate who does share their light, and if they won't, request a new room.

 

6.) Get them outside.  I have patients who haven't seen or felt the outdoors for years...YEARS.  Those 2 staff members don't have time to get the patients outside, because who would help the bed bound patients, or the sick patients or the ones who don't want to go out.  Check before you pick a place, that there are weekly (at least) opportunities for your family member to go outside, and then make a chart and ask your family member, or staff to mark the days they get out.  Can you imagine life with no fresh air, or sunlight?  Bring in lunch and eat outside, have your conversation outside, if it's hot find a shady spot and cold bring a blanket.  Just get outside!

 

7.) If your loved one has a T.V. and their roommate also has a T.V. do you really think they will be able to hear their program?  Wireless headsets...they need them!

 

8.) Keep up on your family member's medication.  The average amount of medication a nursing home resident takes is something like 20-40 pills a day.  Seriously??  just be proactive, medications interact with each other and often with some close investigation several pills can be eliminated.  Many times patient's personality changes because they are over medicated.  Know your medications!!

 

9.) Spend a day, a full day, in the nursing home.  Sit in the dining room, sit by the nurses station, watch what happens.  A 10 minute tour tells you nothing.  I think so many people don't want to do this because it's so easy to turn a blind eye on the negative things.  Think in positive terms, what happens here daily and how can I make the things I don't like better for my loved one? 

 

10.) If your loved one is unable to be their own advocate, (which is usually the case if they are going to a nursing home) you have to be their advocate...and a loud one.  Get to know all the nurses, CNA's, social worker, administrators...everyone...if they know you they will care for your family member better. (usually) I don't even mean, make a nasty fuss, give them small "thank-yous" for caring for your loved ones.  The CNA's are especially under appreciated.  Small up-lifters will not only help them be better at their jobs, but I always say "A little sugar goes a long way"

I think this could go on and on.  This is only a start.  I am not trying to discourage anyone from doing what they need to do to care for their family member.  I am saying that you shouldn't kid yourself.  A nursing home is not a "fun" place, it may be a necessity, but take responsibility.  Really look inward and ask yourself "Am I doing everything I can for my family member or am I walking away?"

We all are in this life as our own, and hopefully as a family we can become a team.  I don't judge anyone for utilizing nursing homes, they are needed, and as long as you are really...and I mean absolutely, doing everything you can muster, or give up, to support your family member, then that's the best you can do.  Just remember, these people need love, physical touch, compassion, conversation, and outdoor air.  Don't turn an blind eye and get caught up in the make believe world that all is good, because it's not.  These people have lived your life...they were once young, active, working, taking care of kids, running errands, and living and you may one day be living their life.  Make your future by living in their present. 

I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it..Oh wait, I can.

I have had about 12 different ideas of what I wanted go write about in my head today.  My ideas changed depending on what I was doing.   I went from thinking I wanted to write about "putting your family members in a nursing home", to "do I really believe Botox sets a good example to our kids?", to "is having a healthy sex life really proven as a fountain of youth?" to this..."Why do I lack that luster of enthusiasm so many people so openly express?"

I am an extremely controlled person emotionally.  Ok, openly emotionally...inside I am a horrible wreck.  Many people say "You are just so laid- back" or "you are so even keeled".  You know what?  I am on the outside.  I really work hard for that control.  I come from a line of Native Americans.  quiet, stoic, emotionless, but this is only on the outside.  I never really thought too much about it during my growing years.  I actually sort of prided myself in how controlled I was emotionally.  I could hold back the tears, the anger, the stupid out of control excited that makes a person look crazy and silly, then a few years back I was playing a game with my kids and husband.  I am so super competitive, but in a very quiet, overly determined sort of way.  I'm not a poor sport, I don't rub it in people's faces when I win, and I don't show out of control exuberance, but for some crazy reason, this one night after I won the game I leaped from my chair, raised my hands in the air and hollered "Oh ya Baby, Woot Woot, I'm the winner Chicken dinner" (or something to that effect.)  I turned back to the table after doing a happy foot dance and my family was staring at me in total awe.  Who was this wild, crazy woman that just let herself express such joy that she did a happy dance?   WOW! what an eye opener.  Even my family was shocked that I could express myself so openly. 

That got me thinking, "Why at 42 years old do I still have such a hard time just living it up a little?" Why do I feel showing excitement, joy and utter happiness needs to be reserved and controlled?  I really don't want to be that kind of emotionless, I want to be my loud rowdy kids who yell and hoot and scream because they feel like it.  I want to stand up with excitement and yell..."Look world, I am here and I am HAPPY and I want you to see it."    I am half way through my life, (or close to it) and I don't need to hide my excitement.  Joy brings Joy, Happiness breeds Happiness.  There is a time and place for controlled, quiet and solemn but there is also a place for loud, happy, and crazy.  So, if you hear a big old yell, and big "WOOT WOOT" and see some 40ish woman running through the sprinklers, lifting her hands in joy and loving life, it just might be me, and even if its not, join her!  She may be just realizing life is about living, not controlling.  BE HAPPY, GET EXCITED, and SPREAD EXCITEMENT.  I know I'm going to try harder, and although it will be so uncomfortable for me, I think it will be good for me too!

This is it!

Well, I have been thinking a lot lately about a blog.  I know I am way behind the times in getting one started, and in all honesty, I have started one many times, but then just gave up.  So, here I am again.  This time I did a little more thinking about what it was I wanted in a blog.  Which, is actually my problem.  Thinking...I think WAY too much about everything.  I  have to have my life organized in some fashion or I feel like a complete mess.  I become a mess and my head begins to think too much.  So, I took a long walk one day, and really thought about a blog.  This is what I decided. 

This blog is me giving myself permission to be a mess.  This blog does not have a "theme" per se.  Its not a blog JUST for updates on my family, it's not a blog that talks about Montana, or my travels, it"s just a place that I can be me, my over thinking, uncontrolled crazy "ramblings".  Why did I name it the Montana Girl's Ramblings?  Well, the one thing in life that I feel grounded to, completely and fully, is Montana.  Montana is my "home".  When I feel lost, frustrated, confused, angry....Montana is my refuge.  I'm not talking about actually being in Montana, that's the funny part, I haven't lived there for 25 years, but, Montana is the core of me..open spaces, no people, long winters, chilly summers, family, history, love,..."home".  So, it seemed appropriate for me to think of myself as a Montana girl. 

Ramblings....That come from a totally different place.  I am a walking runon sentence...literally.  My mind runs from financial obligations to joining PTA in a matter of 2 seconds.  I ramble, in my head, none stop.  I'm not just talking about self talk, I mean, blow my brain out of the top of my head ramble.  It's messy and frustrating and my biggest enemy.  And yet, it is who I am, and can be lovely and touching and deep.  Really, need I say more?

So, I am starting this blog, as a place to get all that "stuff" out of my head.  To allow myself to be messy (which I struggle with) and to give  myself permission to not have a plan, to not have a reason, to not have a rational explaination, its just my place...my safe Montana place to let my mind ramble.