My Life In Stages

Well, today is the last day of my 43rd year of life.  Starting tomorrow I begin working on the 44th year of my life.  Tomorrow I will have lived for 43 years. Wow, that seems so long, yet as we all know it is only a blink in time.

I began to think about those 43 years earlier this weekend, and I began a quest.  I pulled out the crates, the photo albums, the old letters, cards, and personal keepsakes I have stored in by basement and found myself on a journey.  Life is quite amazing. 

We are born into a world and our personality begins forming immediately.  Yet, for those first 4 or 5 years I have no memory.  I have pictures, and stories told to me from my family, but no memories.  I realized that I have grouped my life into stages.  I am sure we all do in some form or fashion.  Those stages are the things I kept thinking about.

The first stage is my elementary years. Ages 5 to about 10.  I think of that stage and it's all just growing.  Learning about the world, forming a personality, being dependent on my parents, teachers, family and friends to help shape me into a person.  The memories for me are just happy.  Life was easy and fun and simple.  All kid.

The next stage was junior highish age.  10 to 14.  That stage in my life was filled with church camps, friends, school, becoming more of an individual.  I made my first life long friends at Echo Valley Campgrounds, at about this age.  I started getting interested in boys and relationships.  During this time we moved from "in town" out to the ranch.  The memories of my grandparents, my cousins, my siblings are strong during this time of my life.  My life was about family and church friends.

High School, age 14 to 17.  Now that was a ride!  I remember high school like it was yesterday.  The memories are so packed and full.  It was at this stage that I feel like my true being began to come into play.  I started realizing who I was as a person, I formed opinions, had beliefs of my own.  I wanted to be my own person, yet was highly influenced by my friends.  My high school years were amazing when I think back to my experiences with extracurricular activities, friendships and living.  I know I have talked on many occasions about how much I loved High School.  It wasn't all good, I mean, come one high school is about drama.  Friendships are tricky in high school, acceptance is scary and becoming more independent is hard.  Those years were tainted with my parents divorce my Junior year and a lot of family issues.  Yet, I really believe the base of church and family I built during my previous stage of life got me through high school and into my first years of college exceptionally well.  I know those experiences were sometimes so difficult and hurtful, but man, what a great stage.

College....Good old College.  18 to 22.  Now this is when life hits the big time for me.  I was out of the house, on my own, and ready for life.  I made friends, memories, learned life lessons, and swear those 4 year lasted a life time.  Graceland was amazing!  I met people who to this day are my best friends. I met my husband (which is wayyy to long of a story for this post).  College was the freeing years.  Yes, I was getting an education, but really I was learning to live my life.  I didn't have real life responsibilities, it was sort of a bubble for me and how nice was that!

Then came 22-27.  I can't believe, so much changes in my life from about 17 to 27.   That's 10 years of life.  With it came leaving home, getting an education, getting married, moving numerous times, traveling, saying good bye to friends, making new ones.  Those years are just massive transitions, but 22 to 26 was about learning to be in a marriage, about falling in love, building a relationship for a life time.  Those years were easy for Brian and I.  We sadly watched several of our friends struggle through those times.  We worked on learning to be a couple, we were learning about life and starting a life, and building a base for our future.  No longer was life about me, it was about us.  We lived in a fairytale of two.

Now I'll be honest with you on the next stage.  I think I lost my 30's.  My thirties were like a big old lake and I was frantically doggy paddling to save my life.  My 30's became nothing about me and everything about my family.  I had 3 kids from 26 to 31, and folks, they rocked my world.  They became my reason for living, they took all my thoughts and power and my soul.  My 30's are one big blur of parenting.  Seeing life, no longer for myself, but for 3 people who relied on me for everything.  And. IT. WAS. HARD.  I struggled through my 30's.  I went to grad school, started a new career, and felt like I needed to be everything and anything to everyone.  I wanted my kids to have it all, I wanted to be successful, I wanted our family to be AWESOME.  I look back now and realize, my 30's were awesomely trying.  I set unrealistic expectations for myself, I worried all the time, I loved my kids but never felt I was enough.  I found my 30's creeping into my 40's.  I started wondering "Where have I gone?  Where am I..Me...the person that I was from 5 to 26"  Brian and I were like war buddies.  We went into battle hand in hand, we passed the baton off, we tapped each other in and out of the game, we were side by side, working as united front, but man it wasn't about us, it was about survival. 

Then I hit 41.  It was like hitting a brick wall to me.  I was no longer Deb, I was Mom, wife, employee, parent, friend, but I couldn't find me in that.  The battle was over, we came out alive, but I was lost.  I have to admit I felt like I walked out of a war and just couldn't see through the smoke.  I know I fought good and hard.  I have 3 amazing children to prove it.  The strategy and tactics of the war must have been good, because there is no way my children could have come out so wonderful without.  I had hit the stage where they were not needing me to care for them so much.  I realized it was time to start digging for the person I was or am.  That was, and is hard though.  Once you wrap your life around others, when they start letting go, and need you less, a void forms. I found myself wondering how to fill that void.  Don't get me wrong, my kids keep me soooo busy.  But, I am no longer their life, but an active participate in their life. 

So 41 to 43.  I call this stage the "Trying to find me again" stage.  I woke up one morning, rolled over, and said "Wow!  Brian have you been here this whole time?"  We went into battle together, but war doesn't give you much time for growth as a couple.  I think for about a year I was shell shocked.  I wasn't sure what I was suppose to be doing.  I wasn't really unhappy, I just felt lost and unsettled.  I worried a lot that year, I was anxious and scared.  I don't ever remember a time in my life that I felt so empty.  The kids' activities kept me busy, work kept me busy, but busy is just busy...

So here I come up to 43.   I have taken a good amount of time really focusing on what the next stage will be.  I wondered around aimlessly for the last 2 years and slowly it's all coming together.  I see the next stage as a regroup.  My kids are needing me less, but they are growing and living more, and I am here to be their cheerleader and their support and their safe haven.  I am no longer living for them though.  My marriage has taken a little hit the last couple years.  The tide goes in and out, we always knew that, but the cool thing is, it's time for the tide to come back in.  Brian and I have so much more time to spend together.  We can start falling in love again.  (I never fell out of love to begin with, but all the old people tell me love is about falling in love over and over again)   We can step back and watch our amazing children grow up some.  We can support them and love them and show them what life is about.  I also know with kids getting ready for college, and driving, and being more independent I need to focus on my career a little more.  I think my biggest struggle is building a bigger support system for Brian and I.  In that battle we lost touch with the outside world.  We didn't have much time for anyone else.  The same goes for me.  My friend circle is small and it's time to widen it again. 

I know this is nothing new to anyone.  We all have stages, for each of us they are different and unique.  Some of you may never experience the same stages I did and I may never experience life like anyone else.  My core message remains the same though...we are all connected by something, we are all in this together, and by sharing our story and our life we can touch others.  I hope my story touches at least one of you today, for tomorrow I start living the rest of my life.