Connecting, Texting, Talking OH MY

I have been thinking a lot the last few days about texting, talking and generally connecting.  I know in an earlier post I wrote about my feelings on connecting, that drive I have in me to not make people feel invisible, love lacking, or lost.  I have really tried to work on connecting with people more in the last few months.  I am really, REALLY trying to make sure the friends and family in my life know I think about them, care for them and want them to know they are important.  Interestingly enough I have run into a weird dilemma.

I love that we have social media and ways to connect so easily now a days.  Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, email, text...so many wonderful connections.  I also hate it.  Something gets lost in these venues of connected that doesn't get lost when you actually have a conversation, a face to face interaction, a real "talk".  I am a woman of body language.  I have always been someone who is so observant in watching other people, reading their body language, listening to voice intonations, watching facial expressions, all the parts that make a conversation real and interactive.  With a real life conversation words can be exchanged, ideas and feelings can be verified, and less is left for misunderstanding.  I am GOOD, even GREAT at personal, deep and emotional conversations (not to be confused with social, idle chit-chat conversations, ..I still struggle with those)  because I read people so well.  I think it's why I am so good at my job, I honestly can put a patient at ease in a matter of seconds if I can see, with my eyes, what they are saying.  Words are just words, they are not conversation.  Words can be misinterpreted, unless there is emotion, or body, or eyes, or "language" behind them.   I know that words can be misinterpreted even with these factors, but verification of understanding is so much easier when you see confusion on someones face vs a "?" in a text, or when you see a silence in a conversation when someone is thinking, vs a lack of response in a text...when you have no idea why.

So this is my struggle. I want to be connected to my friends and family, I want them to know they are important and visible, and loved.  I decided to start using text, email, facebook ect.. in an effort to make the time and effort possible.  It is working in many places, but in some it's lacking.  I find when I get down to the nitty gritty of some conversations I don't know the true meaning behind the words.  What one person may intend at sarcastic I read as hurtful, what I intend as light hearted may get interpreted as too serious, or angry.  Things that are intended to be heartfelt come off as shallow...you get my point, and I can almost guarantee you all have felt that way or had those same interactions at some point.  Sometimes by the end of a conversation via text or email I am so confused, frustrated, and lost that the conversation just ends and neither party really has a clue what happened. 

There is something to be said for sending a happy note, a "I'm thinking of you", a "just wanted to say hello" to someone to help brighten their day, but there is something so greatly missed when words and emotions, and body language is taken away from a conversation.  I worry about my children as they get older.  I wonder how well I have taught them to have a conversation, to see what people are saying and not just read what the are saying.  I have come to realize that even sending notes of encouragement and love can never really replace the feeling of true connection in a face to face conversation.  So I guess I need to update my plan, I want to continue to connect, to send my thoughts and good wishes, but I need to make sure that in my attempt true friendship and connection is not lost.  Although I am the queen of reading people I am also the queen of reading into things. Without the visual I become a mess, clarifying and re clarifying,  confusing lack of words with lack of caring, second guessing meanings, a dilemma that I think transpired much because of social media.  Maybe it's just good to know I am that kind of person, being aware is helpful.  Now I just need to figure out how to make it all work. 

Stay connected friends.  It's what keeps us going.  You are all important and all play an important role in life.  Let's just hope all the words don't get lost in translation.

Closet Sports Lover

Ok, so maybe the title is a little misleading.  However, very few people in my older life may be aware of the fact that I am a lover of sports.  I absolutely love sports, of most any kind really, but my true love and passion....High School Sports.

I played basketball and volleyball in high school.  My kids claim it wasn't "real" sport because I attended a small school in Montana and had only 45 people in my class.  I beg to differ (and I guarantee all my high school friends, close relatives and Whitehall Montana townies will agree with me). I am sure coming from a large school in the city, small town sports seem silly, but my kids can laugh at me and tease me all they like, my high school sports were the best!

 I am not too awfully picky about the sports I like.  I grew up on football, basketball, volleyball and track.  I have learned to love baseball, and I'm working on hockey (thanks to my husband's teachings).  I live for the Olympics, and I could park myself in front of the T.V. for the summer and winter Olympics day and night. 

It's all about the strategy, competitiveness and the...ok I'm that mom...the WIN.  I am super, SUPER competitive. Yes I grew up in a house of competitiveness. All of us (mom, dad, brother and sister)  quiet, controlled and lethal competitors.  I'm not a poor sport, but winning is the best.  I am so against the whole "we are just playing for fun, let the kids have fun, there are no winners or losers, we are all in this for the joy of the game"...UM...NO...I'm in it to win.  Remember my post on  being controlled and showing no emotion?  Ya, well...sports don't count.  I'm never rude, I don't yell at the ref (refs really can't win or lose a game in my opinion) and I don't shout negatives at the other team, but I just can't keep quiet when sports are involved.

Why high school sports you may wonder?  Do you know how much passion a high school athlete has?  High school is their time.  Have you ever went to a high school game and just felt the buzzing of energy?  Those kids literally evoke the power of passion.  I love watching the intensity of a good coach, the magic of a strong, connected team and the power of true strategy.  I can almost not put into words the emotion I feel behind sports. 

I sat through a girls high school basketball game tonight.  The game went into double overtime with a win by only 2 points.  IT. WAS. SO. FUN!  I could barely wait for my kids to become old enough to do  high school sports, or competition events, and guess what  WE MADE IT!!  I am loving it.  

If you want to get a buzz and feel the power of competition I encourage you to go to a State High School sporting event.  I challenge anyone to leave one of those games without a boost of adrenaline. 

Sports...just one of life's simple pleasures.

2014 and Resolutions

Happy 2014!  This year is starting off cold here, with snow, and movies, and family time..just like I like it.  I had a fantastic Christmas, a wonderful New Years with family and friends, and am now getting back into the swing of our regular life patterns.  I will admit, I like regular life patterns as a mother.

I was thinking about resolutions since it is the "New" year, and every year I find myself taking on a personal battle of change.  How should I change this year?  I think for the last 20 years of my life I have had the same typish ideas..I need to lose weight, I need to exercise more, I need to be a better mother, I need to work harder...ect..ect.  so this year I decided to take a little different twist on resolutions.  I decided I was going to resolve to more content with limited change.  I resolved that I am going to not worry so much about what I need to change, but rather be content in what I have, am and do.  I resolved to look at who I am and instead of thinking about what I needed to change, I was going to think about what was exactly right with me.  So here is my 2014 resolve list.

1.) I am a great mother.  My children are involved in many, many, MANY activities and I support them in each and everyone of them.  I love my children, I keep them fed, dressed, and housed.  I challenge their minds, teach them lessons, and help them recognize their wonderful talents and gifts.  I get little sleep, give up my desserts and have inner battles with myself on a daily basis, because I am a great mother for my children.

2.) My body is beautiful.  My body is a temple.  It have big curves and wrinkles and gray hairs to prove it's living. I can exercise, sing, dance, hug, and talk.  My body rarely fails me.  I can't remember the last time I wanted to do something and my body wouldn't function appropriately for me to do it.  My body  may not be the body everyone wants, or anyone wants for that matter, but it is beautiful and it is mine.

3.) I am intelligent.  I love to learn, and although I wouldn't call myself an expert at any one thing, I believe I am knowledgeable about so many wonderful and amazing subjects.  I would go to school on a permanent basis if I could afford it. 

4.) I am emotional and that is a blessing.  I feel emotions deeply.  I know I feel them much more deeply than most, my heart can physically ache with pain, or shutter with excitement, or flutter with joy because of my emotions.  I feel emotions from the top of my head to the soles of my feet and this is good. To actually know an emotion so deep within my soul is a gift.

5.) I am an amazing employee. I work hard in my job.  I care about my patients as if they were family, I do the very best I can and will try harder if asked.  I am organized, dependable and trustworthy. 

6.) I am a good friend.  I will stand behind a friend no matter what.  I will sacrifice myself for a friend.  I will listen, laugh, cry and sit quietly.  I know what it means to be a friend and I will always strive to be the best.

7.) I am sometimes broken and I am working on knowing that is ok.  Perfect does not exist, perfect has a different definition to everyone.  Knowing perfection and failure do not go hand in hand is good to know.

I am sure every one of you can make a list of your perfect gifts.  I challenge you this year to resolve to throw out the judgement and to accept the life and person you are. It may be a daily battle, and your inner voice will challenge you often, and that's okay, because we are strong and we have each other.  Happy 2014 my friends!

Christmas Eve Montana Style

I have been making cookies and listening to Christmas music tonight.  Something I do around Christmas every year.  Tonight there is snow on the ground here in Blue Springs, and I find myself feeling a little brighter because of it. 

Montana always had snow on Christmas when I was growing up, at least that's the way I remember it.  The most beautiful vision is a moon splashing it's light on a field of snow.  The snow is untouched, a mountain shadow sits in the background, the stars twinkle lightly and the snow glistens like dancing fairies.  That's the picture out my window growing up. I remember waking up (or not yet going to sleep) Christmas Eve, and looking out my window and seeing that glorious sight.  I also remember looking down onto the ranch houses, wondering if my grandparents, or my great grandmother were awake.  There was always a light on in the bathroom window of my grandparents home, Great Grandma Cora's house was usually dark, lightened only by the moon on the snow.

Christmas Eve was a magical night as a child.  I absolutely Loved, Loved, Loved our Christmas Eve traditions growing up.  The night most often started in town at my Great Aunt and Great Uncle's home.  The whole family would gather and bundle up, ready to go do our traditional caroling around our small little town of Whitehall. There were usually around 40 of us I think.  As a child I'm sure it seemed like a lot of people, but we are a big family and 40 seems about right.  We always started in town and stopped by church friends and family friends' homes, a caravan of 4-5 cars full of people, singing in the front yards.  I am amazed we never left anyone behind, when we were done singing, the kids would scramble for the cars, sometimes going with a different group then started.  We made our way through town and then moved to the more rural areas towards Cardwell.  We stopped at the farm houses and ranches of our neighbors, singing 3 or so songs, and then hustling back to the cars for our next stop.  We ended our caroling adventure at the Ranch.  ( Here is a picture of where I grew up.  The ranch are all the green buildings that sit in the valley, the house on the hill, our house.  Image this covered in snow!  AMAZING)

 

 

After the caroling adventure we would all gather in Grandma Nonie and Grandpa Dale's house.  As a kid it was perfect.  I think back now and am amazed how we all fit, there home was a small 3 bedroom ranch home.  We sat on the floor, on the couch, on the tables, it was PERFECT!  Grandma always had cookies and drinks (and probably food) and then Santa would make his presence.  He always handed out a gift to each person.  (My Grandpa Dale loved playing Santa) We all laughed and joked and enjoyed each other's company.  I remember not wanting the night to end. 

 

 

When the evening did have to end, my family would make the short trek home (often my brother and I would race up the hill trying to beat mom and dad home while they took the car).  Our own family tradition included opening up one Christmas present before going to bed.  Cookies and milk were set out for Santa and the Christmas tree lights were left on all night.  Looking out the big picture windows I could see the moon lighting up the fields.  That scene set the most peaceful scene I can remember. EVER. IN. MY. LIFE.  I wish I had a picture to share with you, it's perfect in my mind. 

 

I still carry over some of the traditions.  I haven't caroled in years, but we always have Christmas music playing Christmas Eve.  We still leave the Christmas tree lights on all night, we open one gift before bed, we leave our the cookies and milk, and every year after everyone has gone to sleep I go stand and look out the window.  When the moon is bright, and there is snow on the ground I can almost imagine the sparkling fields, the bathroom light shining in my Grandparents home, that peaceful present that God gave me every Christmas Eve.  This year I no longer have any grandparents to share in the holiday.  The first year they all have been gone.  I imagine though, that each and everyone of them is helping to make the snow sparkle, maybe twinkling like a star to help keep my picture alive.

 

Merry Christmas to you all. 

 

 I cant find a picture of each of my Grandparents but here's a few.  Grandpa Rob and Grandma Cora I love you too!!

Grandpa Dale (with Uncle Rand)

Grandma Sis (with Mom)

Grandma Nonie (with Mary Beth)



My Aunt Diane

Today my Aunt Diane is on my mind.  I sometimes have a hard time thinking of her as my Aunt because she is more like my older sister.  Diane is my Dad's youngest sister, and just 4 years older than I.  We grew up together.  She was my role model, my "I want to be just like her" person in life.  I followed her around as a kid, went to all of her high school sporting events, weezled my way into her high school group conversations..all the things a little sister would do, but the cool thing was, she was my Aunt so she didn't get mad at me like an older sister.  We didn't have the typical sibling issues.  That was the cool part, we didn't fight like sisters, but we loved like sisters.

Today as I was driving home from work I started thinking about Diane.  We haven't lived close to each other for years.  We see each other once a year at best.  We try to keep in contact, but time passes too quickly and we often lose touch more than we would like. What I was thinking today was this...Diane lives her life with no apologies.  We could joke that because she is the youngest ,"the baby" in a family of 9, that she is spoiled and that is why.  It may be part of it, but I don't think so.  I think Diane learned a long time ago that living wasn't about apologies.  Being who you are is was it is, YOU.   I was thinking about this today as I thought about how apologetic I am for... me.. I apologize for everything..the way I look, the way I act, the way I feel, the way I react...everything.  Today as I drove home from work I was feeling weak and vulnerable.  I was tearing up and just feeling emotionally beat up.  I realized I immediately felt shame..apologizing to myself for having emotions that were sad, or frustrating or non happy.  Really, I was just tired.  I had a long day and was feeling sensitive.  Then a thought popped into my head.  I remember Diane telling me that one day she was in line at the grocery store and had been having a bad day, a lady asked her how she was, and she just broke out in tears.  I'm sure the lady had her opinions of what was going on...but no matter good or bad, Diane wasn't apologetic for being herself, for having emotions, she was just her honest, emotional, loving, feeling self.  That memory alone helped me feel okay.  I let the tears come and go and realized I didn't need to apologize for them.

Diane has always been that way.  I never have known Diane to judge someone else.  I have never known Diane to become angry and hold a grudge, she states her feelings and then moves on in love.  She doesn't apologize for her feelings, she also loves deeply, unconditionally and whole heartedly. Diane states the facts as she sees them, or feels them or knows them.  Diane isn't scared to stand up for herself, to discipline her children, to state her beliefs.  She may disagree with me on all of these points, but this is how I have always seen her.  I have always admired her determination, her ability to let her emotions flow, yet never apologize for them.  I love her ever compassionate heart, her loving acceptance and her honest being.   Today I am so greatful for her example.  I hope to one day grow up to be more like her...accepting and gentle with myself.

"Please Don't Stop the Music"

Music is such a healing venue for me.  I am not sure what makes music so therapeutic, but let me tell you, my emotions are practically linked to music.  As much as I would like to say that I'm talking about classical Mozart, or deep healing instrumental intonations, I will be totally honest and say, that's not what I'm talking about at all.  The music I'm talking about is my go to music.  It's not even music that half the time I know who is singing/playing it.  I stick my "Pandora" on the Pop fitness station and BOOM!  there it is. At least of late, that's where it is.  Maroon 5, Britney Spears, Usher, Rihanna, Pink, Christina...you get the point.  I love to blast the music.  I like it going straight to my ears so it has a direct channel to my heart, soul, mind.  I can turn my mood around in about 2 minutes, I can exercise longer,  I can conquer the world (or so I think) when the music is right. 

It's not always that music though.  Sometimes it's the soft stuff, or the emotionally touching stuff,  the whine of a violin, the singing of a clarinet, the bellow of a horn, the dancing of a piano.  Sometimes it's the words,  other times it's the pounding but always it hits me hard in the chest.  I have been stuck on this whole "connecting" thing lately and realized that music is a connection for me.  I can hear music and often a memory simulatiously occurs.  Often I can remember a year, a date, a moment.  It's powerful.

I also love music that hits my soul and gives me an emotion that's new, that sets a new experience, that prepares me for a change. A memory in my head that can be recalled at a later time for reminiscing or to bring back the experience like its new again.  Music can express feelings and intentions on a level that can't be reached another way.  Music can help your soul heal.

But really right now, music has been hitting me in a different way.  I enjoy that deep soulful music, but lately I LOVE the kick ass, make me want to run, dance, walk on water kind of music.  My attitude, my self confidence, my mood all is different when music is piped in.  I wish I could just walk around with headphones in all day, it would be interesting to see how I got through a day set to music.  Like a little soundtrack to my life. 

What's your soundtrack?  Would love to hear what makes you move right now...

Connection

A few weeks ago a coworker/friend of mine passed away.  I don't have much information on the cause of her death, really that isn't important.  I didn't know her "well".  I say that lightly, because I don't know how "well" anyone knows anybody.  I do know that I knew about her history, her family, her personality, her job (of course), but even what I knew may only well have been what she chose to allow me to know.  However, I knew her well enough.  I knew her well enough to know that when we stopped working together over a year ago, I should have stayed in touch.  I knew her well enough to know that it would have taken me only 1 minute to pick up the phone and call her to see how she was doing, 1 hour to drive to her home and stop by to say hi, 1 moment to tell her she was an important person, she was loved, and she mattered.  I thought about it many moments of my life, but didn't take one moment to act on it.  Shame on me!

I have been thinking a lot lately about connection.  Connection between people, friends, family, co-workers.  We live in a world of connection, but do we really connect?  We live in a world where we can pick up a phone and call, text, email in a matter of 1 minute, but do we really connect? I'm feeling more and more like we don't.

I am an introvert.  I have a hard time connecting.  I "fret" about connecting with people because I doubt my abilities to present myself in a fashion, acceptable to me.  Picking up the phone to call someone makes me nervous, if I have to have a social conversation with an acquaintance, a stranger and sometimes even a friend, I break out in a small rash.  I avoid making eye contact in a public place, with PEOPLE I KNOW!!! (it's crazy) because making small talk is sooo hard.  I would rather hold a conversation with the check out lady...because if I make a fool of myself, or say something totally wacky, she won't probably ever remember me anyway.  I also struggle with the emotions of connecting. Other people's emotions literally can engulf my being and I don't know what to do with them.  Sometimes I cry just standing next to someone who I know is emotionally struggling.

Because I am an introvert I also know this.  Connection is necessary to survive. I guess I should have said EVEN as an introvert I know connection is necessary to survive.  Without connections we can feel invisible.  No one should feel invisible.  Yet, people do,  because of lack of connection.

I have not been doing a good job of connecting.  I place myself in my safe bubble, and I move through the motions of work, motherhood, wife hood, volunteerism, etc.. and I don't connect.  I make people feel invisible.  Why??  I love connecting! I love to really get to connect on a deep level with people, but getting there takes some work, and maintaining it takes some work, and then I get sort of tired, and want to go back in my bubble where it's safe.

I decided that is my New Year's Resolution.  I am going to work to connect.  I don't want anyone that I call friend, family, co-worker, acquaintance....ANYONE, to feel invisible.   I want to keep a connection that is good and supportive.  I often wonder,  "How many people gave me a thought today.  How many times did I cross someones mind today?"  Without connection no one ever knows, and I believe NO ONE, should every feel like they didn't cross someone's mind.  Connection can be simple. Because of the technology of today one small, short, 10 sec text can let someone know they aren't invisible, they aren't forgotten, they aren't alone.  That 10 seconds of my day may help someone get through a month. 

I challenge everyone to think about connecting.  Make someone aware of their importance.  It really only takes about 10 second, and maybe that 10 seconds will turn into exactly what someone else was needing.   Maybe that connection will rekindle a friendship, and that friendship will build a foundation for a support system, and that support system will make someone feel like life is worth living.   Or maybe it will just make someone smile.  Either way, it's all about connection.