My Aunt Diane

Today my Aunt Diane is on my mind.  I sometimes have a hard time thinking of her as my Aunt because she is more like my older sister.  Diane is my Dad's youngest sister, and just 4 years older than I.  We grew up together.  She was my role model, my "I want to be just like her" person in life.  I followed her around as a kid, went to all of her high school sporting events, weezled my way into her high school group conversations..all the things a little sister would do, but the cool thing was, she was my Aunt so she didn't get mad at me like an older sister.  We didn't have the typical sibling issues.  That was the cool part, we didn't fight like sisters, but we loved like sisters.

Today as I was driving home from work I started thinking about Diane.  We haven't lived close to each other for years.  We see each other once a year at best.  We try to keep in contact, but time passes too quickly and we often lose touch more than we would like. What I was thinking today was this...Diane lives her life with no apologies.  We could joke that because she is the youngest ,"the baby" in a family of 9, that she is spoiled and that is why.  It may be part of it, but I don't think so.  I think Diane learned a long time ago that living wasn't about apologies.  Being who you are is was it is, YOU.   I was thinking about this today as I thought about how apologetic I am for... me.. I apologize for everything..the way I look, the way I act, the way I feel, the way I react...everything.  Today as I drove home from work I was feeling weak and vulnerable.  I was tearing up and just feeling emotionally beat up.  I realized I immediately felt shame..apologizing to myself for having emotions that were sad, or frustrating or non happy.  Really, I was just tired.  I had a long day and was feeling sensitive.  Then a thought popped into my head.  I remember Diane telling me that one day she was in line at the grocery store and had been having a bad day, a lady asked her how she was, and she just broke out in tears.  I'm sure the lady had her opinions of what was going on...but no matter good or bad, Diane wasn't apologetic for being herself, for having emotions, she was just her honest, emotional, loving, feeling self.  That memory alone helped me feel okay.  I let the tears come and go and realized I didn't need to apologize for them.

Diane has always been that way.  I never have known Diane to judge someone else.  I have never known Diane to become angry and hold a grudge, she states her feelings and then moves on in love.  She doesn't apologize for her feelings, she also loves deeply, unconditionally and whole heartedly. Diane states the facts as she sees them, or feels them or knows them.  Diane isn't scared to stand up for herself, to discipline her children, to state her beliefs.  She may disagree with me on all of these points, but this is how I have always seen her.  I have always admired her determination, her ability to let her emotions flow, yet never apologize for them.  I love her ever compassionate heart, her loving acceptance and her honest being.   Today I am so greatful for her example.  I hope to one day grow up to be more like her...accepting and gentle with myself.