Christmas Eve Montana Style

I have been making cookies and listening to Christmas music tonight.  Something I do around Christmas every year.  Tonight there is snow on the ground here in Blue Springs, and I find myself feeling a little brighter because of it. 

Montana always had snow on Christmas when I was growing up, at least that's the way I remember it.  The most beautiful vision is a moon splashing it's light on a field of snow.  The snow is untouched, a mountain shadow sits in the background, the stars twinkle lightly and the snow glistens like dancing fairies.  That's the picture out my window growing up. I remember waking up (or not yet going to sleep) Christmas Eve, and looking out my window and seeing that glorious sight.  I also remember looking down onto the ranch houses, wondering if my grandparents, or my great grandmother were awake.  There was always a light on in the bathroom window of my grandparents home, Great Grandma Cora's house was usually dark, lightened only by the moon on the snow.

Christmas Eve was a magical night as a child.  I absolutely Loved, Loved, Loved our Christmas Eve traditions growing up.  The night most often started in town at my Great Aunt and Great Uncle's home.  The whole family would gather and bundle up, ready to go do our traditional caroling around our small little town of Whitehall. There were usually around 40 of us I think.  As a child I'm sure it seemed like a lot of people, but we are a big family and 40 seems about right.  We always started in town and stopped by church friends and family friends' homes, a caravan of 4-5 cars full of people, singing in the front yards.  I am amazed we never left anyone behind, when we were done singing, the kids would scramble for the cars, sometimes going with a different group then started.  We made our way through town and then moved to the more rural areas towards Cardwell.  We stopped at the farm houses and ranches of our neighbors, singing 3 or so songs, and then hustling back to the cars for our next stop.  We ended our caroling adventure at the Ranch.  ( Here is a picture of where I grew up.  The ranch are all the green buildings that sit in the valley, the house on the hill, our house.  Image this covered in snow!  AMAZING)

 

 

After the caroling adventure we would all gather in Grandma Nonie and Grandpa Dale's house.  As a kid it was perfect.  I think back now and am amazed how we all fit, there home was a small 3 bedroom ranch home.  We sat on the floor, on the couch, on the tables, it was PERFECT!  Grandma always had cookies and drinks (and probably food) and then Santa would make his presence.  He always handed out a gift to each person.  (My Grandpa Dale loved playing Santa) We all laughed and joked and enjoyed each other's company.  I remember not wanting the night to end. 

 

 

When the evening did have to end, my family would make the short trek home (often my brother and I would race up the hill trying to beat mom and dad home while they took the car).  Our own family tradition included opening up one Christmas present before going to bed.  Cookies and milk were set out for Santa and the Christmas tree lights were left on all night.  Looking out the big picture windows I could see the moon lighting up the fields.  That scene set the most peaceful scene I can remember. EVER. IN. MY. LIFE.  I wish I had a picture to share with you, it's perfect in my mind. 

 

I still carry over some of the traditions.  I haven't caroled in years, but we always have Christmas music playing Christmas Eve.  We still leave the Christmas tree lights on all night, we open one gift before bed, we leave our the cookies and milk, and every year after everyone has gone to sleep I go stand and look out the window.  When the moon is bright, and there is snow on the ground I can almost imagine the sparkling fields, the bathroom light shining in my Grandparents home, that peaceful present that God gave me every Christmas Eve.  This year I no longer have any grandparents to share in the holiday.  The first year they all have been gone.  I imagine though, that each and everyone of them is helping to make the snow sparkle, maybe twinkling like a star to help keep my picture alive.

 

Merry Christmas to you all. 

 

 I cant find a picture of each of my Grandparents but here's a few.  Grandpa Rob and Grandma Cora I love you too!!

Grandpa Dale (with Uncle Rand)

Grandma Sis (with Mom)

Grandma Nonie (with Mary Beth)



My Aunt Diane

Today my Aunt Diane is on my mind.  I sometimes have a hard time thinking of her as my Aunt because she is more like my older sister.  Diane is my Dad's youngest sister, and just 4 years older than I.  We grew up together.  She was my role model, my "I want to be just like her" person in life.  I followed her around as a kid, went to all of her high school sporting events, weezled my way into her high school group conversations..all the things a little sister would do, but the cool thing was, she was my Aunt so she didn't get mad at me like an older sister.  We didn't have the typical sibling issues.  That was the cool part, we didn't fight like sisters, but we loved like sisters.

Today as I was driving home from work I started thinking about Diane.  We haven't lived close to each other for years.  We see each other once a year at best.  We try to keep in contact, but time passes too quickly and we often lose touch more than we would like. What I was thinking today was this...Diane lives her life with no apologies.  We could joke that because she is the youngest ,"the baby" in a family of 9, that she is spoiled and that is why.  It may be part of it, but I don't think so.  I think Diane learned a long time ago that living wasn't about apologies.  Being who you are is was it is, YOU.   I was thinking about this today as I thought about how apologetic I am for... me.. I apologize for everything..the way I look, the way I act, the way I feel, the way I react...everything.  Today as I drove home from work I was feeling weak and vulnerable.  I was tearing up and just feeling emotionally beat up.  I realized I immediately felt shame..apologizing to myself for having emotions that were sad, or frustrating or non happy.  Really, I was just tired.  I had a long day and was feeling sensitive.  Then a thought popped into my head.  I remember Diane telling me that one day she was in line at the grocery store and had been having a bad day, a lady asked her how she was, and she just broke out in tears.  I'm sure the lady had her opinions of what was going on...but no matter good or bad, Diane wasn't apologetic for being herself, for having emotions, she was just her honest, emotional, loving, feeling self.  That memory alone helped me feel okay.  I let the tears come and go and realized I didn't need to apologize for them.

Diane has always been that way.  I never have known Diane to judge someone else.  I have never known Diane to become angry and hold a grudge, she states her feelings and then moves on in love.  She doesn't apologize for her feelings, she also loves deeply, unconditionally and whole heartedly. Diane states the facts as she sees them, or feels them or knows them.  Diane isn't scared to stand up for herself, to discipline her children, to state her beliefs.  She may disagree with me on all of these points, but this is how I have always seen her.  I have always admired her determination, her ability to let her emotions flow, yet never apologize for them.  I love her ever compassionate heart, her loving acceptance and her honest being.   Today I am so greatful for her example.  I hope to one day grow up to be more like her...accepting and gentle with myself.

"Please Don't Stop the Music"

Music is such a healing venue for me.  I am not sure what makes music so therapeutic, but let me tell you, my emotions are practically linked to music.  As much as I would like to say that I'm talking about classical Mozart, or deep healing instrumental intonations, I will be totally honest and say, that's not what I'm talking about at all.  The music I'm talking about is my go to music.  It's not even music that half the time I know who is singing/playing it.  I stick my "Pandora" on the Pop fitness station and BOOM!  there it is. At least of late, that's where it is.  Maroon 5, Britney Spears, Usher, Rihanna, Pink, Christina...you get the point.  I love to blast the music.  I like it going straight to my ears so it has a direct channel to my heart, soul, mind.  I can turn my mood around in about 2 minutes, I can exercise longer,  I can conquer the world (or so I think) when the music is right. 

It's not always that music though.  Sometimes it's the soft stuff, or the emotionally touching stuff,  the whine of a violin, the singing of a clarinet, the bellow of a horn, the dancing of a piano.  Sometimes it's the words,  other times it's the pounding but always it hits me hard in the chest.  I have been stuck on this whole "connecting" thing lately and realized that music is a connection for me.  I can hear music and often a memory simulatiously occurs.  Often I can remember a year, a date, a moment.  It's powerful.

I also love music that hits my soul and gives me an emotion that's new, that sets a new experience, that prepares me for a change. A memory in my head that can be recalled at a later time for reminiscing or to bring back the experience like its new again.  Music can express feelings and intentions on a level that can't be reached another way.  Music can help your soul heal.

But really right now, music has been hitting me in a different way.  I enjoy that deep soulful music, but lately I LOVE the kick ass, make me want to run, dance, walk on water kind of music.  My attitude, my self confidence, my mood all is different when music is piped in.  I wish I could just walk around with headphones in all day, it would be interesting to see how I got through a day set to music.  Like a little soundtrack to my life. 

What's your soundtrack?  Would love to hear what makes you move right now...

Connection

A few weeks ago a coworker/friend of mine passed away.  I don't have much information on the cause of her death, really that isn't important.  I didn't know her "well".  I say that lightly, because I don't know how "well" anyone knows anybody.  I do know that I knew about her history, her family, her personality, her job (of course), but even what I knew may only well have been what she chose to allow me to know.  However, I knew her well enough.  I knew her well enough to know that when we stopped working together over a year ago, I should have stayed in touch.  I knew her well enough to know that it would have taken me only 1 minute to pick up the phone and call her to see how she was doing, 1 hour to drive to her home and stop by to say hi, 1 moment to tell her she was an important person, she was loved, and she mattered.  I thought about it many moments of my life, but didn't take one moment to act on it.  Shame on me!

I have been thinking a lot lately about connection.  Connection between people, friends, family, co-workers.  We live in a world of connection, but do we really connect?  We live in a world where we can pick up a phone and call, text, email in a matter of 1 minute, but do we really connect? I'm feeling more and more like we don't.

I am an introvert.  I have a hard time connecting.  I "fret" about connecting with people because I doubt my abilities to present myself in a fashion, acceptable to me.  Picking up the phone to call someone makes me nervous, if I have to have a social conversation with an acquaintance, a stranger and sometimes even a friend, I break out in a small rash.  I avoid making eye contact in a public place, with PEOPLE I KNOW!!! (it's crazy) because making small talk is sooo hard.  I would rather hold a conversation with the check out lady...because if I make a fool of myself, or say something totally wacky, she won't probably ever remember me anyway.  I also struggle with the emotions of connecting. Other people's emotions literally can engulf my being and I don't know what to do with them.  Sometimes I cry just standing next to someone who I know is emotionally struggling.

Because I am an introvert I also know this.  Connection is necessary to survive. I guess I should have said EVEN as an introvert I know connection is necessary to survive.  Without connections we can feel invisible.  No one should feel invisible.  Yet, people do,  because of lack of connection.

I have not been doing a good job of connecting.  I place myself in my safe bubble, and I move through the motions of work, motherhood, wife hood, volunteerism, etc.. and I don't connect.  I make people feel invisible.  Why??  I love connecting! I love to really get to connect on a deep level with people, but getting there takes some work, and maintaining it takes some work, and then I get sort of tired, and want to go back in my bubble where it's safe.

I decided that is my New Year's Resolution.  I am going to work to connect.  I don't want anyone that I call friend, family, co-worker, acquaintance....ANYONE, to feel invisible.   I want to keep a connection that is good and supportive.  I often wonder,  "How many people gave me a thought today.  How many times did I cross someones mind today?"  Without connection no one ever knows, and I believe NO ONE, should every feel like they didn't cross someone's mind.  Connection can be simple. Because of the technology of today one small, short, 10 sec text can let someone know they aren't invisible, they aren't forgotten, they aren't alone.  That 10 seconds of my day may help someone get through a month. 

I challenge everyone to think about connecting.  Make someone aware of their importance.  It really only takes about 10 second, and maybe that 10 seconds will turn into exactly what someone else was needing.   Maybe that connection will rekindle a friendship, and that friendship will build a foundation for a support system, and that support system will make someone feel like life is worth living.   Or maybe it will just make someone smile.  Either way, it's all about connection.