I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it..Oh wait, I can.

I have had about 12 different ideas of what I wanted go write about in my head today.  My ideas changed depending on what I was doing.   I went from thinking I wanted to write about "putting your family members in a nursing home", to "do I really believe Botox sets a good example to our kids?", to "is having a healthy sex life really proven as a fountain of youth?" to this..."Why do I lack that luster of enthusiasm so many people so openly express?"

I am an extremely controlled person emotionally.  Ok, openly emotionally...inside I am a horrible wreck.  Many people say "You are just so laid- back" or "you are so even keeled".  You know what?  I am on the outside.  I really work hard for that control.  I come from a line of Native Americans.  quiet, stoic, emotionless, but this is only on the outside.  I never really thought too much about it during my growing years.  I actually sort of prided myself in how controlled I was emotionally.  I could hold back the tears, the anger, the stupid out of control excited that makes a person look crazy and silly, then a few years back I was playing a game with my kids and husband.  I am so super competitive, but in a very quiet, overly determined sort of way.  I'm not a poor sport, I don't rub it in people's faces when I win, and I don't show out of control exuberance, but for some crazy reason, this one night after I won the game I leaped from my chair, raised my hands in the air and hollered "Oh ya Baby, Woot Woot, I'm the winner Chicken dinner" (or something to that effect.)  I turned back to the table after doing a happy foot dance and my family was staring at me in total awe.  Who was this wild, crazy woman that just let herself express such joy that she did a happy dance?   WOW! what an eye opener.  Even my family was shocked that I could express myself so openly. 

That got me thinking, "Why at 42 years old do I still have such a hard time just living it up a little?" Why do I feel showing excitement, joy and utter happiness needs to be reserved and controlled?  I really don't want to be that kind of emotionless, I want to be my loud rowdy kids who yell and hoot and scream because they feel like it.  I want to stand up with excitement and yell..."Look world, I am here and I am HAPPY and I want you to see it."    I am half way through my life, (or close to it) and I don't need to hide my excitement.  Joy brings Joy, Happiness breeds Happiness.  There is a time and place for controlled, quiet and solemn but there is also a place for loud, happy, and crazy.  So, if you hear a big old yell, and big "WOOT WOOT" and see some 40ish woman running through the sprinklers, lifting her hands in joy and loving life, it just might be me, and even if its not, join her!  She may be just realizing life is about living, not controlling.  BE HAPPY, GET EXCITED, and SPREAD EXCITEMENT.  I know I'm going to try harder, and although it will be so uncomfortable for me, I think it will be good for me too!