A wise mentor and friend of mind recently told me.."You have no right to take away someone else's sadness, pain, failure, disappointment. Why would you wish that your family, friends, coworkers would not go through sadness? You are denying others of their journey, that is not your right"
That statement may sound harsh, and taken out of context, incorrect, but after several months of contemplation...I have come to believe that statement is exactly correct, and what I needed to hear.
I am a caretaker, A TAKER...I have lived my life taking from others. Taking on other people's unwanted emotions, situations, negative vibes, transitions, expectations. My grandma Nonie always said I was born mature. Now that I am mature, I think what she meant was that I was born an old soul, one that believed she could heal the world (and often does heal), one that could take the negative energy from another in order to allow them to let go, one who listens without judgement, who holds the weight of others so they can walk without struggle. I chose a job where I am paid to be a caretaker, I walk into people's lives when they are at their lowest and try to take away some of their burden. I have lived most of my adult life (if not my childhood as well) making decisions based on how it would influence those around me, making final decisions based on protecting others, at my own expense often. I have got lost in a world of giving and taking, all the time forgetting that this life is ultimately about me and my journey.
At the turn of the year I sat down and decided, it was enough. I spent one year of running races-was I running to or from something? a year of going to concerts-allowing myself an escape, time to not focus on other's needs. What is it all about? Looking for permission, from who? Myself..permission to say "this life is about me, and it's time I live it that way" No more taking. It's time to fill myself with the same amount of energy that I give.
What do I love in life? I love conversation, reading, writing, movies, books, exercise, music, music, music...dancing, baking, traveling, being with friends, rain, loving, hugging, laughing until I cry...Those are the things I need to focus on. The things that make me love life, and for the first time I think I need to do it with no one in mind but myself.
I have been a mom for 21 years, a wife for 24 years, a daughter for 47 years, a sister for 45 years, a friend forever...I love my roles, but I don't know that I have ever been just me. I take my roles seriously, I want to be the best in all of them. In my eyes being the best was making everyone else so happy, and so loved that it didn't matter what I felt. My needs were second, at best, because someone else could move forward in a better space because of me. Saying it that way makes me sound like a martyr. That was never my intent, my intentions have most always been about love and giving.
So..this is the year of me. I still plan to live life giving and loving, but not at the expense of myself. I look forward to writing more, reading good books, seeing good movies with my sister, spending time with my husband, kids and friends, going on trips, putting together puzzles, running, walking, dancing, and laughing until I cry. I have to admit, this is going to be one of the biggest challenges I have ever faced. I have never known life with me as the center. I have a very hard time doing things for myself without feeling selfish or guilty, two emotions I hope to suppress a little more this year. I am sure I will find myself drawn to my old patterns and habits, but I also know I will try my hardest and hope to find myself fully along the way. Here's to a year of me. Let the journey begin.
Tuesday, January 8, 2019
Saturday, December 30, 2017
Contentment
A state of happiness and satisfaction: Contentment
It's been a long time since I worked on writing. I was reading through some old blog posts and realized how much I miss putting my words down. Maybe because it's a new year, maybe because its just a good time, or maybe for no reason at all, I decided I am going to start writing again. What a better place to start than with my word of the year...Contentment
In 2017 my word was Balance. I have to say, I feel like I did a great job focusing on my balance for the year. I had a good balance of health, friendship, family, personal time, work, and leisure. I feel a lot of satisfaction with some new habits I have developed, some old habits I have changed and some new habits on the horizon. Which brings me to my new year word of Contentment,
When I am thinking about a word I hope to focus on for the year, I take in many different factors. Usually I try and focus on what I need in my life, what changes I am hoping to see, what emotional connections I am hoping to establish with others and myself. This year I picked a challenging word for myself. I guess I felt like I was up to a challenge...as usual. Contentment should be easy right? Well, I think in a mind that never stops thinking and analyzing, and over analyzing and over thinking, contentment is a great challenge to accept.
I have a restless spirit of sorts. Maybe my type A personality plays into that, or being the first born, or having a job that literally functions around productivity standards. I suppose it could be my role models in life, or my drive to be better each day, my mother and father's competitive nature driven into my DNA. Who really knows? All I know is that Contentment is not something that comes easy to a restless spirit. So, that seems like the perfect place to start a year.
I like the idea of feeling happy and satisfied. I DESIRE to feel that way all the time, but find that most of the time I have placed judgement on myself and not allowed feelings of contentment to take over. I think I'm ready though. I am ready for the peace that allows me to take on challenges, new habits, friendships, jobs, family situations, EVERYTHING, with satisfaction and happiness. A general peace of mind that I am right where I need to be at this very moment.
Anyone who knows me is aware that contentment will never be a lazy, gentle word for me. No, I will continue to work to my highest self, I will continue with daily, monthly and yearly goals. I will continue to live with passion, and drive and vigor. I just want to do it with self acceptance, love and...well...Contentment.
Happy New year my dear friends and family. Life is good, no matter where your journey currently resides. Like a butterfly coming out of the cocoon for that first look at life, from a fresh new perceptive, go into the new year with your wings open and your heart ready. It's going to be a good year, I just know it.
It's been a long time since I worked on writing. I was reading through some old blog posts and realized how much I miss putting my words down. Maybe because it's a new year, maybe because its just a good time, or maybe for no reason at all, I decided I am going to start writing again. What a better place to start than with my word of the year...Contentment
In 2017 my word was Balance. I have to say, I feel like I did a great job focusing on my balance for the year. I had a good balance of health, friendship, family, personal time, work, and leisure. I feel a lot of satisfaction with some new habits I have developed, some old habits I have changed and some new habits on the horizon. Which brings me to my new year word of Contentment,
When I am thinking about a word I hope to focus on for the year, I take in many different factors. Usually I try and focus on what I need in my life, what changes I am hoping to see, what emotional connections I am hoping to establish with others and myself. This year I picked a challenging word for myself. I guess I felt like I was up to a challenge...as usual. Contentment should be easy right? Well, I think in a mind that never stops thinking and analyzing, and over analyzing and over thinking, contentment is a great challenge to accept.
I have a restless spirit of sorts. Maybe my type A personality plays into that, or being the first born, or having a job that literally functions around productivity standards. I suppose it could be my role models in life, or my drive to be better each day, my mother and father's competitive nature driven into my DNA. Who really knows? All I know is that Contentment is not something that comes easy to a restless spirit. So, that seems like the perfect place to start a year.
I like the idea of feeling happy and satisfied. I DESIRE to feel that way all the time, but find that most of the time I have placed judgement on myself and not allowed feelings of contentment to take over. I think I'm ready though. I am ready for the peace that allows me to take on challenges, new habits, friendships, jobs, family situations, EVERYTHING, with satisfaction and happiness. A general peace of mind that I am right where I need to be at this very moment.
Anyone who knows me is aware that contentment will never be a lazy, gentle word for me. No, I will continue to work to my highest self, I will continue with daily, monthly and yearly goals. I will continue to live with passion, and drive and vigor. I just want to do it with self acceptance, love and...well...Contentment.
Happy New year my dear friends and family. Life is good, no matter where your journey currently resides. Like a butterfly coming out of the cocoon for that first look at life, from a fresh new perceptive, go into the new year with your wings open and your heart ready. It's going to be a good year, I just know it.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
The Year of Changes
I haven't posted in a while. I was just looking back at some of my previous posts and noticed I have started 5-6 that I never finished. I may need to go back and see what I can muster up on those subjects I started. The post I was focusing on the most was the one I wrote about one year ago. The one just the day before my birthday. If you haven't seen it, or want a refresher, take a look at "My Life in Stages." How amazing that one year of your life can change your way of thinking, give you different views, open up new ideas and horizons.
I still like that post from last year. I especially like that my hopes of accomplishment for this last year were achieved in my mind. I think my biggest desire was to build a bigger base of support through new friendships, rekindling old friendships and deepening current friendships. Making connections that would set a good foundation for the years to come. I admit I was extremely skeptical, I mean, it's one thing to make friends when you are a kid, in school, in college..but as a 43 year old I questioned my ability. I am a firm believer of writing down your goals to watch them become a reality. IT WORKED!! I have rekindled some of my past friendships. I sure did miss so many of my friends. What a nice feeling to reconnect. I made some amazing new friends this year. God placed a few people in my life that I seriously wonder why it was 43 years in the making. I also feel like I have found more time for my closer and nearer friends. By no means is it a done/finished goal, I plan to continue with these connections and hope many more come my way. Support system in place! Let me repeat that SUPPORT SYSTEM IN PLACE.
Why is this so important? Well, I have done some reflecting the last few days, just a few days from my 44th birthday, and I have deemed this year...The Year of Changes. This is going to be a wild ride folks. Yes, I know life is ever changing, but I never said I was good at change. In fact, I have been known to fight change pretty darn hard in the past. Here is the thing though....I am actually ready. I am excited, and I can almost feel the vibrations of excitement as the change builds up it's tidal wave. The changes have been in the works for some time now. I have had time to prepare, and like every control freak out there I am as ready as I can be. Last year was about support, self worth, building connections and acceptance of self. This year is the test.
In the next few months I will be saying good bye to the house and neighborhood I have called home for the last 12 years. I will be starting over fresh, building a new house and creating our new home. I will lengthening the cord on my oldest as she goes to college. Brian has begun a new job, which brings so many changes for our family. I am working on some professional changes as well, haven't completely formulated that plan yet, but it's coming along. I have made some choices that will change my health, emotional being, and physical self and am feeling so energized and strong because of them. I have set some personal goals that I hope to meet, and have enlisted some wonderful people to help support me. I have a trip planned to Scotland in July, I have my middle man getting ready for high school, and I have my little Mrs. growing up too fast. So many wonderful, scary, and terribly amazing changes and for once in my life, I can honestly say...I am so excited about them all. Every. Single. One.
I am ready for 44.
I appreciate all of you in my life who offer me support, who accept me without judgement, who love me, and allow me to love you. Although change is inevitable, growth necessary, scary, good and sometimes hard, I feel most fortunate that I have so many wonderful people to share them with.
I still like that post from last year. I especially like that my hopes of accomplishment for this last year were achieved in my mind. I think my biggest desire was to build a bigger base of support through new friendships, rekindling old friendships and deepening current friendships. Making connections that would set a good foundation for the years to come. I admit I was extremely skeptical, I mean, it's one thing to make friends when you are a kid, in school, in college..but as a 43 year old I questioned my ability. I am a firm believer of writing down your goals to watch them become a reality. IT WORKED!! I have rekindled some of my past friendships. I sure did miss so many of my friends. What a nice feeling to reconnect. I made some amazing new friends this year. God placed a few people in my life that I seriously wonder why it was 43 years in the making. I also feel like I have found more time for my closer and nearer friends. By no means is it a done/finished goal, I plan to continue with these connections and hope many more come my way. Support system in place! Let me repeat that SUPPORT SYSTEM IN PLACE.
Why is this so important? Well, I have done some reflecting the last few days, just a few days from my 44th birthday, and I have deemed this year...The Year of Changes. This is going to be a wild ride folks. Yes, I know life is ever changing, but I never said I was good at change. In fact, I have been known to fight change pretty darn hard in the past. Here is the thing though....I am actually ready. I am excited, and I can almost feel the vibrations of excitement as the change builds up it's tidal wave. The changes have been in the works for some time now. I have had time to prepare, and like every control freak out there I am as ready as I can be. Last year was about support, self worth, building connections and acceptance of self. This year is the test.
In the next few months I will be saying good bye to the house and neighborhood I have called home for the last 12 years. I will be starting over fresh, building a new house and creating our new home. I will lengthening the cord on my oldest as she goes to college. Brian has begun a new job, which brings so many changes for our family. I am working on some professional changes as well, haven't completely formulated that plan yet, but it's coming along. I have made some choices that will change my health, emotional being, and physical self and am feeling so energized and strong because of them. I have set some personal goals that I hope to meet, and have enlisted some wonderful people to help support me. I have a trip planned to Scotland in July, I have my middle man getting ready for high school, and I have my little Mrs. growing up too fast. So many wonderful, scary, and terribly amazing changes and for once in my life, I can honestly say...I am so excited about them all. Every. Single. One.
I am ready for 44.
I appreciate all of you in my life who offer me support, who accept me without judgement, who love me, and allow me to love you. Although change is inevitable, growth necessary, scary, good and sometimes hard, I feel most fortunate that I have so many wonderful people to share them with.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Hamburgers and Milkshakes
It's been a while. 3 months plus a few days to be exact. It's not that I haven't felt like writing, it's more about trying to figure out the reason behind why I write. Really, there are a lot of different reasons. However, none of them are really important to anyone but me, well, except one.
A few weeks ago I mentioned something about my blog and a conversation got started with my girls. They both mentioned how much they like reading what I write. My #1 said something to the effect that she liked reading what I write because it showed a side of me that I don't show outwardly. My Little Mrs. agreed and said she loved reading my blog for the stories. So, I decided that was a good reason to make sure I continue...for my kids. I think they mostly like the stories I tell, the ones about my childhood, my work, and my history. I can see that. I love reading about personal things people have to share. A small glimpse into their soul. I love people's stories. I love the emotions that other people's lives stir inside me. Sometimes I feel a connection, and that makes me happy...and sometimes sad, and sometimes passion, and pain, and...well you get the point. So, I think I will try and write more often, maybe I too will touch someone's soul, or just entertain my children, but there is one thing I do know. When you have a busy mind, a cluttery mind, and a passionate heart, writing helps, writing is good, and writing becomes the therapy that calms, if even for a short while.
Last night I made hamburgers, french fries and milk shakes for dinner. Not a dinner of champions by any means. This dinner is a dinner of happiness for our family. Everyone picks a different type of milk shake they like, chocolate, cookies and cream, caramel.....I enjoy making this meal, partially because my family feels like it is a "special treat" sort of meal but there is a different reason I like this meal.
When I was a younger this meal was a meal I remember my mom and dad preparing together for our family. We loved hamburger and milkshake night. I know it wasn't about the hamburgers, or the milkshakes even, because I really didn't like homemade hamburgers, and wasn't a big ice cream kid, but hamburger/milkshake night was one of the best nights in our house. I remember this meal as a meal always made with everyone in the kitchen. My dad usually made the milkshakes, while mom made the rest. We all liked to sit in the kitchen and talk while the meal was being made. Everyone was happy, and loving, and close...
When you come from a family that fell apart at the end, a family that somehow lost it's way, and the connections got disconnected, and the happy became sad, or mad, or painful and the loving became distant, the memories often seem sad, and mad and painful. The memories of what was, are jaded by unhappy and difficult situations that cover up the good happy memories. The last things you remember as a family are ugly words, and sad feelings and unhappy situations. We forget to look way back. Back to the better times. Sometimes it's because the good times are forgotten, overtaken by the less good times. Sometimes they are so long ago they just seem to have slipped away. Sometimes they seem unreal because they become foreign, lost in a whole new language of life. Yet, sometimes they are pushed away because they remind us of what things were and that in itself is sad. To think that something so good, could go so wrong. Milkshake and hamburgers were one of those happy memories for me. I feel like I can stand outside and look into the window of that house. The lights were all bright, the smiles were genuine, the laughter was contangious, the love was overflowing. It really has nothing to do with hamburgers and milkshakes, but that's where my connection links. Even last night, as I made 3 different kinds of milkshakes, seasoned the burgers (which I now like) and prepared the greasy, yummy fries..it had nothing to do with the food, and everything to do with love, and light, and smiles and love overflowing.
A few weeks ago I mentioned something about my blog and a conversation got started with my girls. They both mentioned how much they like reading what I write. My #1 said something to the effect that she liked reading what I write because it showed a side of me that I don't show outwardly. My Little Mrs. agreed and said she loved reading my blog for the stories. So, I decided that was a good reason to make sure I continue...for my kids. I think they mostly like the stories I tell, the ones about my childhood, my work, and my history. I can see that. I love reading about personal things people have to share. A small glimpse into their soul. I love people's stories. I love the emotions that other people's lives stir inside me. Sometimes I feel a connection, and that makes me happy...and sometimes sad, and sometimes passion, and pain, and...well you get the point. So, I think I will try and write more often, maybe I too will touch someone's soul, or just entertain my children, but there is one thing I do know. When you have a busy mind, a cluttery mind, and a passionate heart, writing helps, writing is good, and writing becomes the therapy that calms, if even for a short while.
Last night I made hamburgers, french fries and milk shakes for dinner. Not a dinner of champions by any means. This dinner is a dinner of happiness for our family. Everyone picks a different type of milk shake they like, chocolate, cookies and cream, caramel.....I enjoy making this meal, partially because my family feels like it is a "special treat" sort of meal but there is a different reason I like this meal.
When I was a younger this meal was a meal I remember my mom and dad preparing together for our family. We loved hamburger and milkshake night. I know it wasn't about the hamburgers, or the milkshakes even, because I really didn't like homemade hamburgers, and wasn't a big ice cream kid, but hamburger/milkshake night was one of the best nights in our house. I remember this meal as a meal always made with everyone in the kitchen. My dad usually made the milkshakes, while mom made the rest. We all liked to sit in the kitchen and talk while the meal was being made. Everyone was happy, and loving, and close...
When you come from a family that fell apart at the end, a family that somehow lost it's way, and the connections got disconnected, and the happy became sad, or mad, or painful and the loving became distant, the memories often seem sad, and mad and painful. The memories of what was, are jaded by unhappy and difficult situations that cover up the good happy memories. The last things you remember as a family are ugly words, and sad feelings and unhappy situations. We forget to look way back. Back to the better times. Sometimes it's because the good times are forgotten, overtaken by the less good times. Sometimes they are so long ago they just seem to have slipped away. Sometimes they seem unreal because they become foreign, lost in a whole new language of life. Yet, sometimes they are pushed away because they remind us of what things were and that in itself is sad. To think that something so good, could go so wrong. Milkshake and hamburgers were one of those happy memories for me. I feel like I can stand outside and look into the window of that house. The lights were all bright, the smiles were genuine, the laughter was contangious, the love was overflowing. It really has nothing to do with hamburgers and milkshakes, but that's where my connection links. Even last night, as I made 3 different kinds of milkshakes, seasoned the burgers (which I now like) and prepared the greasy, yummy fries..it had nothing to do with the food, and everything to do with love, and light, and smiles and love overflowing.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
The Middle Man
Greyson turns 14 today. The small little man who entered the world 3 weeks early, unlike Kayla who came out ready to take on the world, and Makenna who was looking for the nearest party, Greyson came out with his hand behind his head, leaning back with his knee crossed and asked "Hey, what's happening?" To say he is laid back is an understatement. He was a super easy baby, slept well, ate well, and was always happy. He spent his youngest years chasing after his older sister, doing anything she told him to do, and loving every minute of it. Then when Makenna was born a soft side of Greyson showed himself. He loved that baby like nothing else. He kissed her head often, gently touched her face and was always concerned about her well being. As he has gotten older nothing has changed.
Greyson is the peacemaker of our house. He hates drama, which is quite ironic because he loves acting, performing, singing and being on stage...he wants to be the class clown most of the time, and really puts on a good show. He likes comedy, humor and laughter. When the estrogen level of the house get a little too intense and overbearing Greyson is the first one to crack a joke and get everyone back on even ground. He is all heart, wrapped up in a comedian.
Let me step back though....Here is the thing about Greyson, he has a deep compassionate nature that always takes me by surprise. He will lend a hand, ear, and hug when needed. I am amazed at his patience and loving attitude towards his younger cousins. As I write this, he has invited a classmate to our house to help him practice the try out song for the musical. He is the first to volunteer to help out with friends, and strangers a like. I look at him and know that one day he will make an amazing husband, probably BECAUSE of his sisters and their torture.
Greyson is so talented as well, he has a natural ear for music, he plays the piano, all percussion instruments, sings, acts, and is quite the debater. (Ok, we often think Greyson will be a lawyer, he will argue ANY point, right or wrong, simply to prove he is right... a little of his Mama in him I think) Greyson loves to cook, and experiment, (mostly cuz he likes to eat). Greyson has the most infectious laugh..the Sacry Laughing Gene hit him hard and I love it. Sometimes at night I hear him laughing so uncontrollably in his room, that I get to laughing so hard I am crying...and I don't even know why he is laughing, I just know his laugh is wonderful.
I can't believe that Greyson is 14 already. Time keeps creeping up on me yet he'll be the first to give me a big old hug though and say "Don't worry mom, you may be getting older, but Dad is always older than you." Love that kid!
Happy Birthday to my Middle Man. Life has been grander with you in it!
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
A Stepping Stone
Tomorrow I am taking my youngest to pick up her schedule for her first year in middle school. I've taken two kids through this process already, but for some reason, probably because she is my youngest, I am just not thinking we are ready. When I say we, I know it really means me, but it feels so much better to say "we" so I feel like my fears are justified. I just can't see my little Makenna girl with more independence, less direction, less protection and more vulnerable. I think the vulnerable part is what's getting to me.
Kayla, my oldest, has always been so independent. I think she came out of the womb, looked me in the eye, put up her hand and said, "back off Mom, I got this!" Greyson, my second, has always been a casual sort of kid. He isn't type A like Kayla. Organization and details sort of cramp his style, but the thing about him, life just rolls off his back. Also, he's a people person. He really doesn't seem to make enemies, he has a lot of friends, and lets life cruise along.
Makenna will be attending a different middle school than her brother due to our plans for moving into a new neighborhood/new house within the next year. I wanted Greyson to finish his middle school where he started and want Makenna to start where she'll end. All very rational...but then my irrational mind kicks in and I panic. Makenna is going to a new school where she knows no one (although honestly, that kid knows someone everywhere we go..like really..no joke, she runs into more people out in public than I think there are people I know.) But more importantly, I have to go to a new middle school. I don't know any of the parents, teachers, the processes, the rules. No one will know us,...UGH. I have had 6 years at my current middle school, now I have to change...But wait, this was about Makenna.
Makenna... she's a small girl, like tiny small. She doesn't even look like she's in middle school yet. Those other kids are going to tower over her, I mean, if she gets a top locker she's going to have to borrow a chair, she'll be late for class because I just know her small little frame will get shoved in the corner, she'll drop all her papers and books, no one will notice and the bell will ring. Ok, so maybe she'll get a lower locker and all will be well, but irrational mind is working here.
I'm not prepared to deal with the drama for middle school. Makenna is a drama princess. She likes drama, she falls into drama, she lives for drama. If there is drama, Makenna will definitely know about it, listen to it, and give you the low down on he said, she said. Which translates to me as ...ME: "Makenna, what homework do you have to do tonight"
Makenna: "I don't know, Billy and Joey got in a fight over Terra and Jessica started to cry, the bell rang and I left to go help Jessica find Kleenex."
Me: "So you have no idea what homework you have tonight?"
Makenna: "Moooom, what's more important, helping a friend or fractions...please..."
So yes, I'm a little unprepared.
Mostly though, life scares me. The thought of new things, changes and possible rejection, pain and failure cause me stress. I feel even more stress when it's my kids who may confront these issues. I know they are going to face adversity, and so far my children have always handled that adversity with grace and poise. Even though I have raised and am raising my children well, I still find myself a little sick to my stomach when I anticipate a possible situation where pain, rejection, failure, fear etc. may come into play. No one wants their kid to be the bullied one, or the one to bully for that matter. No one wants to see their child struggle, even though it's through struggle that we learn. No one wants to see their child scared, or anxious, even though that is where courage and pride stem. Mostly, I just want to know it will be ok, and that's just not something anyone knows.
So, tomorrow I will walk into a new school, my stomach will be in knots, I will not be able to eat breakfast, I will probably get teared up as my daughter flits from place to place, saying hello to the people I know she will know, (cuz that's her) and I will want to take her hand and run back home to our safe place. However, I will not...because..well, because this is just the next stepping stone.
Kayla, my oldest, has always been so independent. I think she came out of the womb, looked me in the eye, put up her hand and said, "back off Mom, I got this!" Greyson, my second, has always been a casual sort of kid. He isn't type A like Kayla. Organization and details sort of cramp his style, but the thing about him, life just rolls off his back. Also, he's a people person. He really doesn't seem to make enemies, he has a lot of friends, and lets life cruise along.
Makenna will be attending a different middle school than her brother due to our plans for moving into a new neighborhood/new house within the next year. I wanted Greyson to finish his middle school where he started and want Makenna to start where she'll end. All very rational...but then my irrational mind kicks in and I panic. Makenna is going to a new school where she knows no one (although honestly, that kid knows someone everywhere we go..like really..no joke, she runs into more people out in public than I think there are people I know.) But more importantly, I have to go to a new middle school. I don't know any of the parents, teachers, the processes, the rules. No one will know us,...UGH. I have had 6 years at my current middle school, now I have to change...But wait, this was about Makenna.
Makenna... she's a small girl, like tiny small. She doesn't even look like she's in middle school yet. Those other kids are going to tower over her, I mean, if she gets a top locker she's going to have to borrow a chair, she'll be late for class because I just know her small little frame will get shoved in the corner, she'll drop all her papers and books, no one will notice and the bell will ring. Ok, so maybe she'll get a lower locker and all will be well, but irrational mind is working here.
I'm not prepared to deal with the drama for middle school. Makenna is a drama princess. She likes drama, she falls into drama, she lives for drama. If there is drama, Makenna will definitely know about it, listen to it, and give you the low down on he said, she said. Which translates to me as ...ME: "Makenna, what homework do you have to do tonight"
Makenna: "I don't know, Billy and Joey got in a fight over Terra and Jessica started to cry, the bell rang and I left to go help Jessica find Kleenex."
Me: "So you have no idea what homework you have tonight?"
Makenna: "Moooom, what's more important, helping a friend or fractions...please..."
So yes, I'm a little unprepared.
Mostly though, life scares me. The thought of new things, changes and possible rejection, pain and failure cause me stress. I feel even more stress when it's my kids who may confront these issues. I know they are going to face adversity, and so far my children have always handled that adversity with grace and poise. Even though I have raised and am raising my children well, I still find myself a little sick to my stomach when I anticipate a possible situation where pain, rejection, failure, fear etc. may come into play. No one wants their kid to be the bullied one, or the one to bully for that matter. No one wants to see their child struggle, even though it's through struggle that we learn. No one wants to see their child scared, or anxious, even though that is where courage and pride stem. Mostly, I just want to know it will be ok, and that's just not something anyone knows.
So, tomorrow I will walk into a new school, my stomach will be in knots, I will not be able to eat breakfast, I will probably get teared up as my daughter flits from place to place, saying hello to the people I know she will know, (cuz that's her) and I will want to take her hand and run back home to our safe place. However, I will not...because..well, because this is just the next stepping stone.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Tiffany
I guess I'm feeling sentimental this year because I seem to be on a roll with honoring my family members on here lately. When you have such wonderful people in your life it's hard not to brag a little.
So...my little sister is 8 years younger than me, and in two days, she will celebrate her Birthday with thousands of Americans around the country. She is a Yankee Doodle girl, born on the 4th of July. I distinctly remember the day she was born. My mom woke up early in the morning, and drove herself to the doctor to see if she should go to the hospital. (My dad had to take a shower...I'm seeing a trend with men and their showers before births) When she got home she hurried my dad along and out the door and my brother and I were left in the care of my aunt. I was a nervous wreck. I don't remember my brother coming into the world, he just always seemed to be there, but this baby, she was going to plant herself into my life and I wasn't sure I was ready for it. I mean, I had to give up my bedroom and move downstairs because of her. I remember going to the 4th of July parade in Butte, but missing my mom tremendously, and having a hard time sleeping because I was sure she had forgotten about me.
Then my new sister came home, and I loved her. Well, ok...we were frenemies for the first 12 or so years of her life. I loved her, of course, but she was a nuisance and annoying, and everything a little sister is to a self centered tween/teenage oldest child. Oh, don't get me wrong, I would have thrown myself in front of a train for my sister, but there was no way I would let her know that.
We had a crazy childhood. I am sure it was similar to many other sisters. We were pretty far apart in age, and I often just thought she was a tag-a-long although she was mostly just wanting to be with her older sister and friends. We have a lot of funny stories about our childhood, and we get some good laughs when the family gets together to reminisce, but that's for another time...I want to share with you about my sister now.
Tiffany is an amazing person. She has always had a style of her own. She is the independent one in our family. She says what she means and means what she says. She knows what she wants and isn't afraid to let you know. The interesting thing to me though is that I have been able to watch her evolve into who she is today. She has become one of my best friends. I cherish her opinion, her advice, and her time. She is one of my favorite people to hang out with!
I love that my sister would live in New York in a heartbeat, that she likes nice things, has great taste, enjoys furnishing a home, and eating at expensive and high class restaurants, that she has become a pro at online shopping and knows what she likes! I love her passion for cooking, she is always looking for a new recipe to try, and then someone to share the results with. But here's the thing, my sister is also one of the most down to earth people you will meet. If you need a party organized, she's your gal, she can be found sitting in a corner of couch reading for hours when she finds a good book, she will meet you for lunch and a good talk almost any day, she will help volunteer for her kids' activities, makes a mean German chocolate pie (for my birthday each year if I ask) and will go on a walk/run/yoga date often. Going to a weekly movie with my sister is one of the highlights of my week. We save up all our news and then talk a mile a minute before and after the movie, just to get all our thoughts in before we have to go back to our families. Tiff is hard on herself (I think it runs in the family) she often worries that what she is doing for her kids, for her life, and for herself are what's the best, but she really must know that she is amazing at mothering, sistering, daughtering and wifering (I know they aren't words Tiff, let it go...). Tiff is quiet in nature, but don't mistake her for weak or lacking. She is a strong, and stubborn, and a little on the youngest child side of life...but that's why I love her!
I really can't say enough about my sister. She is someone everyone should know. As her sister though I feel like I have something special with her no one else will ever have. We have the same sense of humor, and if you every walk into a room and we are cry laughing, you might as well walk out, you'll never fully understand why it's so funny anyway. We share the angry hungry gene, the laughing gene, the need for perfection gene, the organization gene, the love of movies and books gene, and the competitive gene. We are so different, yet so similar, it's kind of odd. I guess that's why I am so happy we are friends but more happy we are living this life as sisters.
Happy Birthday Tiff! Enjoy your time in Montana. Miss you already (and yes Tiff, I did spell check this post, and yes I am sure I missed something, but when you're on a roll and speaking from your heart it's just worth all the errors!)
So...my little sister is 8 years younger than me, and in two days, she will celebrate her Birthday with thousands of Americans around the country. She is a Yankee Doodle girl, born on the 4th of July. I distinctly remember the day she was born. My mom woke up early in the morning, and drove herself to the doctor to see if she should go to the hospital. (My dad had to take a shower...I'm seeing a trend with men and their showers before births) When she got home she hurried my dad along and out the door and my brother and I were left in the care of my aunt. I was a nervous wreck. I don't remember my brother coming into the world, he just always seemed to be there, but this baby, she was going to plant herself into my life and I wasn't sure I was ready for it. I mean, I had to give up my bedroom and move downstairs because of her. I remember going to the 4th of July parade in Butte, but missing my mom tremendously, and having a hard time sleeping because I was sure she had forgotten about me.
Then my new sister came home, and I loved her. Well, ok...we were frenemies for the first 12 or so years of her life. I loved her, of course, but she was a nuisance and annoying, and everything a little sister is to a self centered tween/teenage oldest child. Oh, don't get me wrong, I would have thrown myself in front of a train for my sister, but there was no way I would let her know that.
We had a crazy childhood. I am sure it was similar to many other sisters. We were pretty far apart in age, and I often just thought she was a tag-a-long although she was mostly just wanting to be with her older sister and friends. We have a lot of funny stories about our childhood, and we get some good laughs when the family gets together to reminisce, but that's for another time...I want to share with you about my sister now.
Tiffany is an amazing person. She has always had a style of her own. She is the independent one in our family. She says what she means and means what she says. She knows what she wants and isn't afraid to let you know. The interesting thing to me though is that I have been able to watch her evolve into who she is today. She has become one of my best friends. I cherish her opinion, her advice, and her time. She is one of my favorite people to hang out with!
I love that my sister would live in New York in a heartbeat, that she likes nice things, has great taste, enjoys furnishing a home, and eating at expensive and high class restaurants, that she has become a pro at online shopping and knows what she likes! I love her passion for cooking, she is always looking for a new recipe to try, and then someone to share the results with. But here's the thing, my sister is also one of the most down to earth people you will meet. If you need a party organized, she's your gal, she can be found sitting in a corner of couch reading for hours when she finds a good book, she will meet you for lunch and a good talk almost any day, she will help volunteer for her kids' activities, makes a mean German chocolate pie (for my birthday each year if I ask) and will go on a walk/run/yoga date often. Going to a weekly movie with my sister is one of the highlights of my week. We save up all our news and then talk a mile a minute before and after the movie, just to get all our thoughts in before we have to go back to our families. Tiff is hard on herself (I think it runs in the family) she often worries that what she is doing for her kids, for her life, and for herself are what's the best, but she really must know that she is amazing at mothering, sistering, daughtering and wifering (I know they aren't words Tiff, let it go...). Tiff is quiet in nature, but don't mistake her for weak or lacking. She is a strong, and stubborn, and a little on the youngest child side of life...but that's why I love her!
I really can't say enough about my sister. She is someone everyone should know. As her sister though I feel like I have something special with her no one else will ever have. We have the same sense of humor, and if you every walk into a room and we are cry laughing, you might as well walk out, you'll never fully understand why it's so funny anyway. We share the angry hungry gene, the laughing gene, the need for perfection gene, the organization gene, the love of movies and books gene, and the competitive gene. We are so different, yet so similar, it's kind of odd. I guess that's why I am so happy we are friends but more happy we are living this life as sisters.
Happy Birthday Tiff! Enjoy your time in Montana. Miss you already (and yes Tiff, I did spell check this post, and yes I am sure I missed something, but when you're on a roll and speaking from your heart it's just worth all the errors!)
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